Friday, September 14, 2018

Six Four Two

I never realized how many numbers are found within a riding lawnmower until yesterday.  Rick and I were back and forth from his home to Ace Hardware trying to buy parts needed to fix his riding mower until one of the lawnmower repairmen told us that the model number & serial number that we had were not the right ones.  He said that there were many numbers found here and there and instructed us where to find the one needed to buy a coil.  The coil numbers are a combination of numbers consisting of 12 numbers, grouped as:  six numbers, four numbers and two numbers.  Once we appeared at Ace with those numbers we got the right coil.

When the mower wouldn't start yesterday morning, Rick started taking parts off the mower to check them, and when he removed a cover he found the problem.  The dead mouse was still there, laying beside its neatly built nest.  It was a sad sight for me to see because I'm partial to cute little field mice, but for Rick it was trouble.  The mouse had chewed up the line all the way to the coil.  With the new coil in hand, Rick can now put it back on the riding mower so that he can mow his yard.  I'm just hoping that this is all the damage that this little mouse has caused.

Wednesday, September 05, 2018

All over the place with my feelings

Rick and I have a volatile relationship as friends.  I'm still mourning my husbands death and I know that I give Rick a hard time.  I'm unpredictable and my mood can change in an instant from happy to very sad, because I wear my feelings on my sleeve.  I don't need medication, I need understanding and no one understands, or can understand unless they have lost their mate.

Rick is a handful and he really is a wonderful guy.  Yeah, he calls me names, but the names are always tossed at me when he is in a playful mood.  He never calls me names when he is mad at me, and I also refrain from name calling anytime, mad, upset or not.  I know that once you open your mouth and hurt someone that you can never take it back.

I'm not depressed.  I just have issues I'm working on and so does Rick.  He's not normal and I haven't quite figured out why.  Maybe he has no experience with women and how to properly treat them.  I just don't know and he won't talk about it with me.  I just have to accept certain things about him, but of course I've already talked about the bullying behavior that I won't accept and have already discussed in previous posts.  

My messed up life

It seems that I have a mouth that won't quit.  I like having my way and I hate rejection and will lash out if I don't get what I think I deserve.  I ranted in my previous post and I thought it would make me feel better, but it hasn't.  Don't judge Rick until you know his side of the story.  This was my side of the story and we all know that there are always two sides if two people are involved.  

I have to write things down to get them out of my system.  Before computers I wrote letters venting my feelings and then burned them or tore them up into tiny little bitty pieces and threw them away.   Maybe I should do that now instead of putting it here for all the world to see.  It's like airing dirty laundry.

Why do people want total control over others lives?

I've been left alone for a few days now and I'm re-learning how to have fun on my own.  I used to stay at home and not go anywhere when Rick was at work, and I enjoyed that, but now I'm not satisfied with remaining at home alone without adult company to talk to.  There is just so much TV and visiting friends online that I can take.  I want to see and talk to LIVE people in person.  I want to live a full life again without any restrictions or rules.  I'm not saying that I want to go out with someone of the opposite sex.  No!  That's not what I want.   I'm just saying that I want to go out and do things that I love to do.  Things that I used to enjoy.  I'm not getting any younger and time is short for me, so I have to do this now while I still can.

I miss my family,  I miss my kids.  We used to go places together and we spent a lot of time together, but it all stopped with Jimmy's death.  It wasn't their fault that it stopped, but mine, and mine alone.  I couldn't cope with Jimmy's death, so I turned to strangers.  Why strangers you ask?  Because strangers didn't know Jimmy or remind me of the precious thing that I had lost.  I buried my grief because I couldn't handle it, but it surfaces from time to time and lately I feel it almost daily.  You'd think that after almost 4 years that the hurt wouldn't be so bad, but I still miss him even tho Rick is here.  Rick is about the farthest thing away from Jimmy, he's the total opposite.  Rick is so uncaring and takes pride in being a bully.  He even brags about it.  Rick likes no one, I mean no one.  It's like going from being with a saint to living with the devil himself.  I guess I put up with Rick because I need to be punished because I'm still alive and Jimmy is dead.  Maybe if I had been more loving and taken better care of Jimmy, he would still be here.  I know this really isn't true, because I loved Jimmy with all my heart, and I took very good care of him.  Sometimes I just feel that I need to be punished for just being alive, so I let Rick treat me shabbily, call me awful nasty names and walk all over me.  I'm not dumb and I know what he's been doing all this time, but I don't really care so I put up with it.  Don't get me wrong, Rick has his good qualities too and that's the Rick that I first fell in love with.

When I first met Rick and got to know him, he stole my heart even tho we were just friends at the time.  I spent a year being his friend and sometimes I feared losing his friendship more than I feared losing the relationship that I was in at the time.  At first I didn't realize this until one day Rick threatened to stop being my friend.  I remembered that Steve had broken up with me that day, and I called my brother Ron at 2:00 a.m. in the wee hours of the morning sobbing about the breakup, but mostly about losing Rick's friendship.  My brother listened and it was that night that we both  realized that it was Rick that I was really crying about and not the breakup with Steve.  

Rick was a real gentleman in those days, and a very good friend.  Rick has continued to be my friend, and I have continued to love him.  My relationship with Rick has always been one-sided.  I loved him and he didn't love me.  I thought that this would change after time, but it hasn't changed one bit.  He has grown meaner and more distant, and treats me like a child who knows nothing about anything.  I live under strict rules in my own house with his threats of leaving if I don't obey them.  Lately, and from time to time, I buck the system and it all goes haywire.  Rick can stay mad and refuse to talk to me for days at a time, but at least on those days I don't hear the bad names or the bullying.  The verbal abuse stops. I used to cry when Rick would do this, but now I have  gotten hardened to the verbal abuse and I speak my mind to him when he spews his constant sarcasm over me, and anyone else he knows.  Lately my mouth is what starts the arguments.  To be honest, it has always been my mouth that starts the arguments.  I've always expressed my dislike for the name calling and those ridiculous rules that I must live under.  

Even tho I still care about Rick, I refuse to be treated like scum and if he can't stop, then he knows what he can do about his living arrangements.  I won't ask him to leave.  That will be his choice alone, because I still have hope that one day he will treat me with the respect and love that I deserve.  I'm a nice person who helps him in any way he needs help.  I work alongside him when needs me, and I ask for nothing in return but a little respect.  Surely that's not too much to ask for?  

So for now I am enjoying my quiet time away from the abuse and I'm talking with family.  I hope that this time Rick really realizes that I won't tolerate his verbal abuse or his rules any longer.  I love him, but I have my limits.  And besides that, my stress level has been so high that it is not good for my health.

Here is sweet me
below is the bully.
(I know that's not fair.  Rick was acting silly at the time and making me laugh.)

Tuesday, September 04, 2018

Loving the one you're with is not always easy

This is not my picture, but I can relate to it 100%.  I can't count how many times I picked up a book to read and ended up with one of my cats sitting right smack dab in the middle of the book.

The man in the picture is clever.  I never thought to get another book as a decoy.  I would merely just give my cat the attention it wanted and wait for it to leave on its own.  No wonder I never read very much, hahaha.

I miss my cats.  They were such comfort to me.  My life was stress free then, but of course Jimmy was alive then and living with Jimmy was VERY STRESS FREE.  He was a man who didn't argue about anything or talk badly about anyone.  He didn't cuss at all.  He loved life, and it showed in everything he did. It rubbed off on everyone he came in contact with and that's why they all loved him.  Jimmy was the kind of person who was always willing to help anyone do anything.  He didn't want anything in return either.  He was just always willing to help.  He was the kind of man who if he saw a neighbor having trouble with a tool or lawnmower that wouldn't start, he would go over, get the broken tool, bring it home and repair it on the spot.  That's just the kind of man he was, and he never expected to get anything for it, but a "Thank You," and that was enough for him.  I'm sure there are still men out there like Jimmy, but they are hard to find and a dying breed.

I try not to compare anyone to Jimmy, but instead try to carry on the love for mankind that he taught me, hoping that it will rub off on someone I care deeply about.  So far I'm not having any luck, but I won't give up.  I don't want to change them.  I just want them to look at life differently.  To smile more and not to take everything so seriously.  Sometimes worrying about every little thing can kill you.  I know that  I'll never be able to measure up to Jimmy,  but that doesn't keep me from trying.  And until my last breath I will try to emulate him.

Another person who had a great influence on my life was the doctor that I worked for.  It wasn't the doctor actually, but the job that changed my way of thinking forever.  I saw patients on a daily basis who were dying, who didn't deserve to die so young.  I saw and felt what it was like to lose control over your own life and end up dead even with all that medicine could do.  I learned quickly that most of us waste time worrying and arguing over the little things in life that don't amount to anything.  We worry about who spilled the bread crumbs on the table, or left the toilet seat up, and then we start an argument over such mundane things as these.  Do you really want to argue and have hard feelings towards someone you love over things that don't amount to a hill of beans?  

Another thing that Jimmy talked to me about was worrying, because I was a worrier when I met him.  He told me that I should stop worrying.  He said that worrying about something that MIGHT HAPPEN was a waste of time.  He told me to wait until something actually happened, and that made a lot of sense to me.  So now I don't worry about anything, but someone close to me thinks that since I don't worry about "what might happen to the car if I drive it into a crowded parking lot," that I don't care about taking care of my material possessions.   I do care about taking care of what I have, and I do watch where I park, but I don't let it be the most important thing in my life.  Life and everyone's safety is my only concern, not what might happen to any of my material possessions.  You can get another car, but you can't get another life.  

This brings me to my next thought which has always been stuck in my head:  TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR HOME BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY ONE YOU GET, you don't get another one!  I'm referring to my body which is my real home.  This is why I don't smoke or take prescription medications that I don't think I need.  I may not exercise the way I should, but I have always eaten lots of fresh fruits & vegetables and I cooked all of my children's food from scratch, nothing processed or boxed.   I do eat more sweets than I should now, but as far back as I can remember, my body has always dictated what it wants to eat.  I do believe that our bodies crave what you are lacking and you should acknowledge that, and feed it what it wants to eat.  So far I don't have any major illnesses or diseases, but I may drop dead tomorrow.  I feel well except for some minor aches and pains in one of my knees and of course I do have some of the major effects of aging.  I can't do anything about aging, but then everyone else is aging at the same rate as I am.  As I get older, they get older.  If they are not getting older, they must have died.

This is all I have on my mind today.  Bye. 

Monday, August 13, 2018

The Baby

The baby is taking ballet lessons.  Isn't she cute?  Love her little heart.  She's going to be the cutest little ballerina ever.