I'm feeling fine today, but I just wanted to share these words with you as to how I have felt since the death of my husband Jimmy.
Even tho I look outwardly happy, there is always a part of my heart that is missing. I don't think I'll ever recover, for there will never be another man like Jimmy. I'm not just saying this because he died, but Jimmy was one of a kind. I try not to think of him so much because it still makes me cry, but I can't completely forget him either. His memory is embedded in what's left of my heart and in my mind forever.
Things are finally looking brighter for me again. I've had so much fun these past few weeks and especially in the last couple of weeks. I've done things that I like doing and I have not been alone, but with someone who has become very special to me, and such a good friend. Besides Jimmy, I have not had a friendship like this, with no demands and the freedom to act as silly and as stupid as I'd like to act and not be condemned or ridiculed for it. I can be myself and not have to watch what I say. I can poke, prod, kick and scream and laugh until my chest explodes. I have been stalked, sneaked up on and scared out of my wits until I thought I would have a heart attack, but all in fun. I have never laughed so much and had so much fun as I have had in the last couple of weeks, and even longer if my memory serves me right. And most importantly, I know that this person will not spread evil gossip around about me, and will do anything in his power to help me out, keep me safe and look after me......that's just the kind of person that he is. We all should have a friend like this in our lives. I feel so fortunate to have stumbled across such a good, honest, trustworthy, loving Christian person as this as a friend. There have been times this past year where I thought that this person just might have been sent down from heaven as my guardian angel, to watch over me, to keep me safe, and to guide me in the right direction, but always leaving it my choice in which direction that I chose. I've just always had a good feeling about him. Above all, he has always remained a true friend to both Steve and I, never crossing any lines of immorality. To me this says a lot about a man, and I respect him greatly for it. I'll say it again, because it's worth saying......We all should have a friend like this in our lives! An angel sent down from heaven to watch over us.
I was encouraged and nudged forcibly into driving a 2008 125cc Genuine Buddy Scooter this past Sunday evening, by myself. Of course, Rick who made me take the plunge was brave enough to be my passenger. No one else has dared enough to be so brave as to ride on the back of someone who never has ridden a moped, but Jimmy when he was teaching me how to ride a 1976 450cc Honda Rebel around 9 years ago. I was so nervous about driving the moped, and it was a bit shaky at first until I got the hang of it and relaxed a little. Of course, like always, I still have to practice on stopping the thing. Stopping still shakes me up a bit, but Rick says that after a few more weekend lessons that I'll be good at it, and then he will release me to ride all by myself without a passenger. Finally there is another brave soul (Rick) who cares enough about me to teach me the things I want to do the most, and who is willing to put his whole life in my hands. Of course, we both wore helmets just in case I crashed. Update: Rick came over today and took me out to ride the scooter again this afternoon and this time he got off the scooter and let me ride it on my own. He had me practice stopping and turning around, which I am still shaky at doing. Then he got back on as my passenger again until we reached a very busy road. We switched places and he drove me on home. I did better today.....applauseplease!
Sometimes friendships don't last as long as we would like them to last, and sometimes friendships grow into something more.....and this is where the problems begin. I know, because this is where I am at the moment. With two friends who secretly each hope that I dump the other.