Friday, October 24, 2014

It's been two weeks today since Jimmy passed away, and this past two weeks are the most time that we have ever been apart from each other.  I miss him terribly.........

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Pissed off at the world!

Good Morning!  It's cold here this morning.  I went out to feed the cats earlier and the thermometer on the front porch said it was 52 degrees F. out there.

Jimmy had a restless night and I was up and down all night long, so he is sleeping in this morning, and I feel like I could take a nap :)

Yesterday was not a good day for Jimmy, nor was it a good day for anyone I crossed paths with.  I got upset at those who want nothing more than to push pills.  Pills for this, pills for that and pills to take care of the side effects of this and that.  I was thoroughly pissed yesterday, so much that when Jimmy's urostomy supply house called to inform me that they would not be sending out an order I had placed, I yelled at them on the phone.  The order is being sent! Mission accomplished.  Yelling sometimes gets things done.....and sometimes it doesn't solve a thing.

Sometimes you just need to YELL, and SCREAM and just throw a BIG TANTRUM.......but I don't feel any better.

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Fall

my thoughts today

Jimmy has been very lucky to have lived 3 years with a Stage IV lung cancer, and now he is in the final stages of his disease.  Every night as I lay next to him in bed, I think to myself that this might be the last night that we spend together, so then I snuggle up to him and hug him, all the while trying not to hurt him or wake him up.  When he is sound asleep he is not feeling any pain, so I hate to wake him up even tho sometimes I want to talk to him I let him sleep.  I’m always hoping that in the morning I will have another chance to talk to him again.  I think we have already said our goodbyes when he first came home from the hospital and was at his best.  It wasn’t sad, he just thanked me for all the wonderful and happy years that we had spent together and told me all the things that anyone would want to hear and I did the same.  We discussed our lives together, and in the back of our minds we both knew that we didn’t have much time left together, so we were saying all those 'said and unsaid' things that you think you are supposed to say that are in your heart so that nothing will be left unsaid and parting will be easier….but is it ever easier really?  

I try to hold myself and things together to give him hope, all the while praying for a miracle.  I don’t want him to know how much it hurts watching him suffer in pain like he is, because knowing him the way that I do, he would blame himself for causing me such pain and that’s not the way it should be.  It’s not his fault that he has cancer, it’s this awful disease that has taken over his body and is spreading throughout his bones.  Maybe one day they will find a cure, but it’ll be too late for my sweet Jimmy, who continues to be as sweet and kind as he ever was as he grows weaker and weaker by the day.

Friday, August 29, 2014

THANKS TO EVERYONE who helps us out. We love you!

"Good Morning," as my brother always says.  I should have such a good outlook on life, but lately it's hard to keep a smile on my face....but I do try for Jimmy's sake.

Jimmy is constantly in severe pain these days, and it's not from his cancer.  It's his back, left hip and left shoulder.  He can no longer walk without aid and this aid's back is hurting too from trying to shoulder the weight of her husband, moving him from his bed to the bathroom or to the recliner in the living room.

Yesterday I spent moving furniture to make room for a combination walker/seat/wheelchair that I just purchased from Amazon.  It was almost impossible to move it around from one place to another until I moved a few things out of the way.  I still don't know how I will get him out for appointments, but it has come to that place where I will need to call someone over to help me take Jimmy to his appointments and to chemo.  

Oh, and for those that want to know.....Jimmy is doing fine as far as the lung cancer is concerned.  It is being contained in his left lung and the chemo is keeping it from getting any larger.  The chemo is doing its job, but it's the side effects that are causing Jimmy so much pain and recurring hospital admissions for one thing or another.  He's a fighter though!  Jimmy has been on chemo since July of 2013 without a break.