Thursday, October 30, 2014

working on sleeping more

For the past year my sleeping patterns have been voluntarily interrupted and readjusted to fit our daily activities.  As I said, it was all voluntary and I did it to be able to spend more quality time with Jimmy.  I am so glad that I went to such extremes, but now that Jimmy has passed away I can't seem to sleep for very long at all.  A couple of hours and I am up for the rest of the day.  My days are spent like a zombie, walking around in a haze and being able to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation, text message or an email, but I don't stay asleep.  The other day I was typing an email when all of a sudden I woke up and noticed that my sentence started out fine, but then I must have fallen asleep and quickly started dreaming, and to my surprise I typed out my dream as it was happening.  Now, how weird is that?

My dear sweet Jimmy passed away on the morning of Oct. 10, 2014 here at home.  It was a very traumatic event and my life has been turned upside down.  I can't say that his death came as a complete surprise, but it was still an unbelievable event coming much too soon.  His death has still not sunk in.  My mind still thinks that he is just resting in the other room until a wave of reality hits me, and I fall apart.  I said that his death was traumatic.  I meant traumatic to me afterwards.  

Are any of us ever ready to say goodbye to a loved one?  Jimmy knew that he was dying and told me so, but I didn't want to believe that the time had arrived.  

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I'm in the process of building a shrine.  I don't sleep much, so I have plenty of time on my hands. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Papers, Papers and More Papers


I'm surprised that there are any trees left in this world with the amount of paper work that I have had to fill out and complete in the last couple of weeks.  I'm still waiting for the death certificate and can't complete some of the paper work, but others don't want or need it, and frankly I don't want to see it either.  A death certificate just makes it all too final, and I'm still very content to think that Jimmy is just resting in the other room.

Friday, October 24, 2014

It's been two weeks today since Jimmy passed away, and this past two weeks are the most time that we have ever been apart from each other.  I miss him terribly.........

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Pissed off at the world!

Good Morning!  It's cold here this morning.  I went out to feed the cats earlier and the thermometer on the front porch said it was 52 degrees F. out there.

Jimmy had a restless night and I was up and down all night long, so he is sleeping in this morning, and I feel like I could take a nap :)

Yesterday was not a good day for Jimmy, nor was it a good day for anyone I crossed paths with.  I got upset at those who want nothing more than to push pills.  Pills for this, pills for that and pills to take care of the side effects of this and that.  I was thoroughly pissed yesterday, so much that when Jimmy's urostomy supply house called to inform me that they would not be sending out an order I had placed, I yelled at them on the phone.  The order is being sent! Mission accomplished.  Yelling sometimes gets things done.....and sometimes it doesn't solve a thing.

Sometimes you just need to YELL, and SCREAM and just throw a BIG TANTRUM.......but I don't feel any better.