Saturday, December 29, 2007

Christmas with Louise

The following story is just too funny not to share. At first I thought it was just a joke, but then realized that it was a joke pulled by Jay’s sister on her brother Jay one Christmas. Now, I don’t know Jay or Jay’s sister, but I do think the story is funny and since it was forwarded to me, I’m forwarding it on to you.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. “Love Dolls” come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.?

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked.

My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”

“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.

“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can’t wait until next Christmas.

Now can you imagine all this taking place at your brother’s house on Christmas? I can. It sounds just like something that could also happen right here at my house. Well, not with an inflatable doll of course, but funny things like that sometimes happen to all of us, but we just don’t take the time to write them down. We all have inside jokes of our own that just require one word out of our mouths to get the laughter going.

Take the time to laugh in the coming New Year…I hear it adds years to your life and I’m planning on living for a long, long time, how about you?


Diane J. said...

Believe it or not, but I have this very email ready to forward to some friends and family! ;o)

Jybow and Daisy are gorgeous furkids! I have 2 furkids myself and my 14 year old Candy is fascinated with birds. She chirps at them from the window sill, but I don't think she'd be as harmless as Jybow if she had opportunity to catch a cardinal or robin!

Glad you had a good Christmas. We play Chinese Christmas, or Dirty Santa as we call it, at our Sunday School class Christmas party. It's always a blast every year. ;o)

Dear Sandy, hope your New Year is happy, healthy and prosperous!

Love and hugs,


JunieRose2005 said...


THAT was a funny story- and yes- I DO know what you mean about funny things happening in families! :)


Peter said...

Great story Sandy, I'm glad they had some wonder drug, duct tape on hand.... or leg.

Cliff said...

Really funny story Sandy. I can see all of that happening to someone. Thanks for the visit, don't be a stranger.

Granny Annie said...

Well, that was soooooooo funny. Perhaps I enjoyed it more because my very prim and proper grandmother was named Louise! LOL Also, my son-in-law thinks I am the queen of duct tape! Thanks Sandy for a good laugh.

judypatooote said...

What a great sounds like something that William (Poop and Boogies) would do....I can't stop laughing.... Hope you have a Happy New Years Sandy.... judy

PEA said...

ROFL I can see that all happening! That is just too funny. New Year is a time for celebration of love, of life, of friendship. It's the time to thank God for wonderful friends, and to bring to their lives as much magic as they bring to here's celebrating our friendship and praying that its magic continues forever. Happy New Year to you and yours dear Sandy! xoxo

Tammy said...

And you are right all it takes is one word to the right people for gails of laughter to comence.

My favorite part was "We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed"...ain't that just like family??

Have a great New Year!

doubleknot said...

That story is just so funny. You are brave for going into the store to buy the doll.