The Last Day

Jimmy and I were up practically the whole night before the morning that he died. He was in such pain that he wanted me to rub and message his back and shoulder with Bengay, and I did that until he fell asleep each time. He didn't sleep for very long periods at a time on this particular night. He needed my assistance to get him his water and when I had gotten up and over to his side of the bed I could feel on my bare feet that he had spilled his water all over the carpet on his side of the bed. I picked up his drinking container and got more water for him to drink., and I laid down a large towel over the wet spot on the carpet to soak up some of the water and to walk on. On this particular night I finally broke down and gave him the stronger pain pill and it seemed to ease off his pain some so that he could get some relief from it. It was his first dosage with this stronger pain mediation. I don't remember what it was called, but they had assured Jimmy and I that it was not a narcotic. But of course, at this late stage of the cancer maybe a stronger narcotic would have been better for him. It would have knocked him out and he wouldn't have tried to get up on his own and slid off the side of the bed on to the floor. He had to use the potty chair for a bowel movement and he didn't want to wake me. He finally woke me up just in time for me to get over to his side of the bed to ease his fall to the floor, but I couldn't get him back up and onto the potty chair or into the bed, so I called for help. I called Brian and he came right over but Jimmy's bones were too frail for us to try and lift him up by ourselves. It caused him too much pain so I called 911 for assistance and told them what happened and that I needed assistance in getting Jimmy back into bed and nothing more. I had called the Hospice nurse and this is what she had advised me to do, to call 911 for help. The ambulance came, they got him back into the bed and took his vitals and told me that he wasn't going to live much longer, and then they left after reading Jimmy's No Resuscitation Order that was clearly posted on our bedroom door. Jimmy had signed it himself when he was thinking clearly three weeks earlier.

I stayed by Jimmy's bedside because it was now early morning and told him that I loved him, and then to my surprise he began patting the pacemaker with his open hand as if he were trying to get it to start working. Shortly after that the death rattle began and I knew. I bent over to his good ear and told him again that I loved him and assured him that I would be okay and that it was okay for him to go, because he worried about that, and then he died, and I kissed him again and closed his eyes. I didn't expect him to die so soon, not today. I thought we had more time. I immediately called the Hospice nurse again and she told me that she was in my driveway and was on her way inside. It was 7:30 a.m. on Oct. 10 2014 when Jimmy left this world. I was sobbing uncontrollably when I asked the Hospice nurse to please check him again before she pronounced him dead. I didn't want it to be so, not yet. I wasn't ready to let him go, but he was in so much pain now that it was best for him that he not suffer anymore. This all happened within a few minutes after the ambulance people left the house.

My life was changed forever on that day, and I have never felt such grief in all my life. I can't say that I am much better today than I was on that particular day in my life. My heart is still broken and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think or talk about Jimmy. He was a force to be reckoned with. He stood tall and proud and he was the love of my life and my best friend, and I miss him so much.

I have spent this past year of my life alone by choice, keeping myself away from family and eventually choosing the company of strangers, trying to forget and mask the pain that I've felt in my heart. The pain is as raw today as it was on that day, and I don't fear death anymore but welcome it. I don't know where my life is going or in which direction to go. I still feel lost and alone, and very lonely. If I had the finances, I would probably run, but to where I don't know. I drive aimlessly and listen to music, but I am finally beginning to stay at home more, I started doing that yesterday. I stayed home all day long and didn't get up and run away from the house, as if running away from constant reminders of what was once here. I remember standing in the backyard in early Spring thinking that it wasn't right that our back yard didn't have Jimmy in it, so I stopped going back there, and only went back there to mow the lawn. It took a friend who insisted on sitting under the shade of the Sycamore tree this summer to get me to go into the backyard, but as for enjoying it, that hasn't happened yet.