Abandoned once again.....

Rick came by and took a shower while Brian & I were gone to Cynthiana today, and he picked up all of his toiletries while he was here.  He took them all, as if he won't be back.  I feel a sense of dread and I'm crying as I write this.  He's not saying the right things to me when we talk on the phone either.   He won't tell me that he loves me.  He won't repeat it after me when I tell him that I love him.  
His absence is not supposed to be permanent, but I have this strange feeling that it is, that it's over between us.  I love Rick, but I feel that he doesn't feel the same.  We've been apart for about a week and he hasn't asked me to meet him or to go anywhere with him.  

It's time that I have to accept the inevitable, but it's hard to do, and I don't want to.  I wish things were different.  I wish he felt the same as I do.  I wish he loved me as much as I love him.  He never tells me that he loves, so I just have to guess at it, and with the events of this past week, and with him running out on me and leaving me here to handle things on my own, I just don't know how he feels.  

I feel abandoned once again and I have a very difficult time with abandonment issues.  I have felt abandoned by everyone for most of my young and adult life.  It's a feeling that I can't handle. 

Why doesn't he call me just to say, "Good night."  
I think everyone knows why except me.......   

Wishful Thinking

I realize now that Facebook is not a place to air my feelings because they elicit sympathy, and that's not what I want.  I only want to explain how I am feeling.  I have fallen deeply in love four times in my entire life and I have not made the right choice in men 75% of the time.  That means that I only have had one successful and truly happy relationship in my life.  The other three were one sided....I loved them with all my heart, but they didn't love me enough.  Those three were unfaithful to me and two left me.

At this moment I am very sad and somewhat depressed.  I try to fill my days with activities like spending time with girl friends, but I am always aware that I am alone, that someone I loved with all my heart left me.  The hurt is unbearable at times when I am left alone with my thoughts.  I am a nice person, and I loved this other person with all my heart.  I gave him everything, but it apparently wasn't enough for him.  He left me anyway.  He'll never know how much I really loved him.  I hope that someday he will turn around and say to someone, "she really did love me, and I'm sorry that I broke her heart.  She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I shouldn't have ever left her."

True Friendship

I've had a terrible week in terms of my on going relationship which has come to a screeching halt.  Then, on the other hand,  I have also had a very good week in terms of all the friends that have come back into my life in my absence.  Without friends I would still be sitting at home crying my eyes out, but instead I am out enjoying life.  I can't say that I don't miss Steve, because that would be a lie. I miss him terribly, but I can't make him come back.  You can't force anyone to love you if they don't love you, and I'm old enough to know that, so I'm not doing any begging.  Either you are with me, or you are not, that's your choice and your loss.

I have one true friend who is very loyal and dependable, and he remains a friend.  I have learned one great big lesson from all of this......that a true friend lasts longer than a romantic relationship.  So keep your friends as friends and never cross that line with them, ever!

"Live today because tomorrow is not promised"

The words above were sent to me by my granddaughter Tori as part of an email she had sent me and as I read those words, "Live today because tomorrow is not promised," I thought of all of you who I care deeply about and wondered if you knew it? If I had ever told you how much your love and friendship means to me. I could die tomorrow, or worse yet....you could die without ever knowing how much it is that I really love you and cherish all of our talks and moments together, and yes especially our comments.

I don't say the words, "I Love You," lightly, nor do I throw them around haphazardly. Those three little words were never a part of my vocabulary as a very young child and I don't believe that I ever even heard them very often, and if I did they came from people who never remained in my life for any longer than two to three years and then they were gone....WHOOSH like a phantom in the darkness. To a child, who loves and depends soley on parents, it's devasting to have them walk out of your life at will. The people you look up to and depend on most, leave. After a while you learn that love only causes hurt, so you stop caring....and you stop loving.

It took a very long time for me to learn how to trust and love anyone. It started with my first love and has grown like a beautiful flower, a colorful sunset, the dawn of a new day. I take love seriously and I hold it close to my heart and I protect it. So when I say that I love you, that's exactly what I mean.

I Love You

It's all about L.O.V.E.

How many dreams are we allowed to have?

In our lifetime everyone needs something or somebody to dream about. Something that excites them every time they think about it. I don't mean sexual excitement necessarily, but what I like to call "a warm fuzzy feeling" of excitement. Everyone has some person or maybe even two or three, in their lives that they will always hold near & dear in their hearts and those that they will never forget no matter how much time elapses. Sometimes you never get to see them again, but that doesn't stop you from thinking about them from time to time.

Jimmy has his dream and although he doesn't want to admit it, I remember years ago before we got married an extensive conversation that we had about our lost loves. We had each lost someone we loved through no fault of our own. When the person you love falls in love with someone else there is nothing that you can do to change their feelings, love just happened with someone else and not you, and it's not something you can just wave your magic wand and wave away. You cannot make a person love you...it just has to happen. Jimmy told me about the time when he was the happiest he had ever been in his life. It consisted of what he called, "the happiest eight years of my life" and ended sadly for him. I'm not naive enough to believe that he doesn't from time to time think about those happy years and doesn't still care for that person. He will always care for her...he will always love her. The purest form of love transcends time and it doesn't just go away. You carry it locked in your heart forever. I believe that you can love more than one person at a time and still be faithful to the one you're with. The loves are different kinds of love and we are all capable of loving people in many different ways.

If you ever really truly loved someone, that love remains with you, although it may change as time goes by to a different kind of love, it remains with you and transcends all time and space. I think this is the truest & purest form of love you can have for someone, because with this love you wish nothing but the best for the person that you love. You want them to be happy, loved and fulfilled in their present life even though it may not be with you. You are happy when they are happy and you wish for them all the happiness & love this world can offer them with someone else.

Sometimes I don't think people are honest with themselves and they don't want to see the feelings of those that are closest to them or even the feelings that they possess themselves. It's viewed as a threat when it shouldn't be. Like Jimmy's attitude about getting rid of everything from his previous life before me. He thought that I wouldn't want to see pictures of his previous wives, so there are none to be found in this house. It's like his life began when he met me and I know this to be false. His life began long before he met me and I seemed to have liked the way he turned out. There was no need to throw away pictures on my account like they never existed. I'm curious, I wanted to see what they looked like and to hear stories about their happy lives together and to know where they went and what they did together. There is just too much mystery in Jimmy's life and too many years unaccounted for as far as I'm concerned, but he knows the whole story and I suppose that this is what he carries deeply locked up in his heart. When I come full circle with my thoughts I see why some things are better left unsaid. These are his personal dreams that I suppose make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I suppose will never be shared with me, but then I may have a few dreams of my own, don't you?