Monday, March 26, 2007

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

I’ve been to the doctor so many times this month that I’m glad this month is almost over. Doctors can be so expensive that I have been compiling a list of home remedies in order to save money for a much needed vacation. Some of the list below I borrowed and some I made up myself. Perhaps you have a few remedies of your own that you can add to my list to help me out…I’d really appreciate it. Put on your thinking cap and leave your remedies in the comments.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. If you have an uncontrollable fever, simply put yourself in the freezer,
shut the lid and sleep there overnight. You'll be cool as a pop*sicle by morning.

9. To clean out your colon, eat or swallow a soapy sponge.
Make sure the sponge is large enough to swab the sides, otherwise
you may have to repeat the procedure.

10. Want to lose ugly fat the easy way? Take your spouse on a
very long ride…and leave them. Repeat as necessary.

11. Do you have an infected wound that won’t heal?
Let your cat lick it 3x per day and if it’s exceptionally large
you may need to use a large dog.

12. Save money and grow your own penicillin right in your breadbox. If you
don’t have a breadbox, simply store a piece of cheese in your refrigerator:
this may take a couple of weeks so start early.

13. To avoid poking your eye with your own finger, tie your hands
behind your back.

14. If you see someone choking on food please refer to the “Hind Lick Maneuver.”

15. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT, THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

15 comments:

TUFFENUF said...

Good Sandy, you had me in stitches, especially number 6! Are you sleeping with the breathing machine yet?

Sandy said...

tuffenuf...No, I'm not yet. I still have to go back and spend another night to find out if the breathing machine will benefit me.

Susie said...

Sandy,
These were hilarious. We were just talking last night about the cost of our HMO premiums. We may have to put a few of these into usage! LOL!!
hugs!!

Sandy said...

Sisie...I loved the little cartoon that I put up on my post and I just couldn't pass-up using it, so I had to come up with something really quick. Someone sent me part of this list and I added a few remedies of my own...I'm sure you can tell which ones...the lame ones. hehehe

Tomas Dennis said...

Does Jimmy have an air compressor out in the shed you can borrow?

PEA said...

ROFL oh Sandy you're a nut! lol But in a nice way! hehe

Val said...

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Sent that one to my dad - he'll love it!

Kerri said...

Thanks for the chuckle Sandy.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
I must be getting to know you....I think you're crazy :)
I laughed a lot at the daily thought. Hilarious! :)

doubleknot said...

He, he, giggle, giggle, jiggle and giggle - sounds like our house either oil it or tape it.

I also liked number 6 - dangerous territory that one.

jellyhead said...

Sandy, I love your wacky humour....it is just my style! Thanks for these.

I tried to think of something to add to the list but anything I came up with was distinctly UN-funny!

Anonymous said...

those were good, thanks for the chuckle. :)

Tim Rice said...

Thanks for the laughs! :)

LZ Blogger said...

Sandy ~ Although #14 would stop me from choking... it is sure to start me gagging! ~ jb///

Rachel said...

Very good list Sandy!! Several humdingers in there!! Thanks for the laughs!!

Peter said...

Hi Sandy, only one I can think of is;
how to loose 10 pounds of ugly fat... cut your head off. DRASTIC.