my thoughts today

Jimmy has been very lucky to have lived 3 years with a Stage IV lung cancer, and now he is in the final stages of his disease.  Every night as I lay next to him in bed, I think to myself that this might be the last night that we spend together, so then I snuggle up to him and hug him, all the while trying not to hurt him or wake him up.  When he is sound asleep he is not feeling any pain, so I hate to wake him up even tho sometimes I want to talk to him I let him sleep.  I’m always hoping that in the morning I will have another chance to talk to him again.  I think we have already said our goodbyes when he first came home from the hospital and was at his best.  It wasn’t sad, he just thanked me for all the wonderful and happy years that we had spent together and told me all the things that anyone would want to hear and I did the same.  We discussed our lives together, and in the back of our minds we both knew that we didn’t have much time left together, so we were saying all those 'said and unsaid' things that you think you are supposed to say that are in your heart so that nothing will be left unsaid and parting will be easier….but is it ever easier really?  

I try to hold myself and things together to give him hope, all the while praying for a miracle.  I don’t want him to know how much it hurts watching him suffer in pain like he is, because knowing him the way that I do, he would blame himself for causing me such pain and that’s not the way it should be.  It’s not his fault that he has cancer, it’s this awful disease that has taken over his body and is spreading throughout his bones.  Maybe one day they will find a cure, but it’ll be too late for my sweet Jimmy, who continues to be as sweet and kind as he ever was as he grows weaker and weaker by the day.