Anyway, Rick is gone…..all of his things are packed up in my Saturn and I don’t think he will ever consent to coming back. I would hope that deep in his heart that he really does love me in some way, but that’s just wishful thinking on my part. I love very deeply and I expect others to love me back with the same passion that I love them…..But sadly, that’s not the way it is. It is always one way only. I love them and they don’t love me. All Rick had to do when he walked in and found me yelling at Jimmy’s picture and crying was to hug me tight and tell me that everything would be alright. But NO, he couldn’t do that. He never does that. He takes it personally as if it is all about him. I’m still grieving the loss of Jimmy and most of the time I keep it hidden, but then at times it resurfaces and messes up my relationships. If only Rick’s old girlfriend that he loved so much had died, he would understand what I’m going through, but he doesn’t and never will until someone he loves with all his heart dies leaving him behind. Maybe someday he will understand me, but as long as he is not here he won't.
I am so sorry for the way I reacted to Rick when he spoke on Saturday, and I owe him an apology. I think I was having a break-down when he walked in....it sure felt like it. I did things that I thought I would never do to Rick, and one of them was to ask him to pack up his things and leave. He didn't deserve that. He's a very nice guy who I love being with. He makes me laugh and we have so much fun doing things together. He's a real true friend, as he likes to be referred to, and I sure do miss him.
I have been so distressed over this that last night I had chest pains. There have only been 3 times in my life that I have been stressed enough to have chest pains, and that was in the death of my ex-husband, the death of Jimmy and now with what's happened between Rick & I.