Wednesday, June 07, 2017

my past has caught up with me

My life isn't all glorious and wonderful, but filled with ups and downs that would surprise even the toughest Marine.  I battle daily with rejection & grief.  My life is not a bed of roses, but a bed of thorns at times.  I react violently now to criticism, which is something I have only done once or twice in my entire lifetime until now.  I don't know why I react like I do, but I do and it frightens others who are witness to it.  It might be due to old memories that are now surfacing to haunt me once again.  I just don't know.

I wish those that are close to me would listen and understand why I get so easily hurt and cry.  But instead they make fun of me for having feelings.  I never used to cry at anything, not even at a funeral, but since the death of my husband Jimmy the tears flow very easily.  I cry and say a silent prayer when an ambulance zooms by my house, or when I hear of someone dying that I don't even know.  I have so much compassion now for others and it stays right on the surface ready to appear at any moment.

I hate being accused of something that is not true.  Of words spoken negatively when they are not meant that way at all.  I hate it when someone assumes to be able to read my mind and comes up with something totally wrong and absurd.  I'm not a jealous person. I totally trust someone unless they give me reasons not to trust them, and once trust is broken I am done with them and we can just say our Goodbyes.  I will not follow, I will not chase after them, because I want someone only if they want to be with me.

So you think I'm crazy......maybe so.  Time will tell how this story ends, but right now it is going just exactly as I would like it to go.....forward.

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