Good Morning

I'm feeling much better today and a little more optimistic about things in general and about my friendship with Rick.  Even tho we bicker and argue, the arguments don't last long anymore.  I'm still hearing lectures about my driving and how I don't pay attention as I should to the traffic around me, and how I'm going to get myself killed if I don't start paying more attention.  All that is well and good advice, and I know that to be true, so I'm not being stubborn and arguing back.  I'm listening to Rick, to Suzanne and to the warnings that I've been getting from a higher power that maybe I should either stop riding or start paying more attention to what I'm doing.

I recently got upset at Rick because he didn't ask if I was okay after the SUV slammed into me.  Well why would he? He was there and saw that I was fine, but that my bike wasn't, so of course he would say something about it.  It was brought to my attention that some people once they see that you are okay, will react like Rick did, and that's how they show concern for your safety and well-being.  I have no doubts about how Rick feels about me.  He has to feel something stronger than just pure friendship or he wouldn't put up with my stubbornness, and I can be pretty stubborn and hard headed at times.

my past has caught up with me

My life isn't all glorious and wonderful, but filled with ups and downs that would surprise even the toughest Marine.  I battle daily with rejection & grief.  My life is not a bed of roses, but a bed of thorns at times.  I react violently now to criticism, which is something I have only done once or twice in my entire lifetime until now.  I don't know why I react like I do, but I do and it frightens others who are witness to it.  It might be due to old memories that are now surfacing to haunt me once again.  I just don't know.

I wish those that are close to me would listen and understand why I get so easily hurt and cry.  But instead they make fun of me for having feelings.  I never used to cry at anything, not even at a funeral, but since the death of my husband Jimmy the tears flow very easily.  I cry and say a silent prayer when an ambulance zooms by my house, or when I hear of someone dying that I don't even know.  I have so much compassion now for others and it stays right on the surface ready to appear at any moment.

I hate being accused of something that is not true.  Of words spoken negatively when they are not meant that way at all.  I hate it when someone assumes to be able to read my mind and comes up with something totally wrong and absurd.  I'm not a jealous person. I totally trust someone unless they give me reasons not to trust them, and once trust is broken I am done with them and we can just say our Goodbyes.  I will not follow, I will not chase after them, because I want someone only if they want to be with me.

So you think I'm crazy......maybe so.  Time will tell how this story ends, but right now it is going just exactly as I would like it to go.....forward.

Quiet Time

I'm spending some quiet time alone listening to music while everyone is asleep and reflecting on my life. If I had to name one thing that I really love I'd have to say that it's listening to music. I can get lost in a song so deeply that it's almost like
I am the song and each song is singing about me, whether it really is or not. I can make my life turn in any direction that I want and my life is an endless love song. This is how I remain sane in this insane world.

It's just a zippity do dah day

Have you ever had one of those 'zippity do dah' days even when the skies are gray and there's no sunshine in sight? It's amazing how someone can touch your heart and bring sunshine to it just like that. A mere conversation can chase those blues away. A gentle touch, a virtual hug and a kiss on the cheek can work wonders on one's spirit. Try it sometime. Pay someone a compliment, tell another how much they are loved or merely give a passing stranger a big smile that he can pass on to the next person he meets. It doesn't take much to make someone happy. Just be honest about your feelings and never hold anything back. Say it now while there is still time to make them happy because tomorrow may be too late.

He Ain't Worth Missing

Sometimes people come into your lives for a reason: to divert your mind away from hurt and to show and remind you what real love and kindness once were. Nineteen and a half years of hurt were so easily wiped away by the sound of a familiar voice. How could that be?

Feelings that I didn't understand

When I was 11 years old I was ripped away from my 3 year old brother’s arms and sent off to live with a new family along with my older brother. My father had given us instructions to go to a certain corner and wait for a man that we didn’t know to stop and pick us up. This all happened very suddenly and without warning.

The new family that we went off to live with was a very nice family, although it seemed like a very large one to me. Up to the age of 8, I had been an only child and then my grandmother died and I went to live with my dad and his new wife and son, who I had thought was my cousin, but in reality had been my full brother all along. He had lived his life with my other set of grandparents. Soon after I had moved in with my dad, brother & new wife, my baby brother was born. Now, after that bit of history we can return back to age 11 and my new large family.

Our new family had three boys and a girl in ages similar to ours. My new step-mom’s oldest son was the same age as my older brother and my new stepsister was my age…the remaining two boys were one & two years younger than myself. Although it was nice having a sister, I was very unhappy about not being able to be with my baby brother, and I took every opportunity to sneak back home that I found. I always managed to make the round trip without being detected…at least I thought I did. It was an all day trip and usually occurred on Saturdays when both my dad & my step-mom were at work. I’d hop on my bicycle and away I’d go to see my baby brother and my now ex-stepmother. After we moved to a much larger home that would accommodate all six children, my baby brother was allowed to come visit, but he only came about two times and then the visitation ceased because my older brother’s put him on their little motorized scooter and took him for a ride in the yard. Again sadness filled my heart.

Being a sad child, I depended on my older brother for love and attention. My dad was all consumed with the new love in his life and all I had was my brother. I didn’t understand why my brother had suddenly changed and wasn’t there for me. He had always looked out for me, but now he abandoned me. He was 14 years old and wanted to have nothing to do with me anymore. He discouraged me from tagging along and I just didn’t understand what was going on all of a sudden. His attentions were all fixated on my new step-sister. She was suddenly getting his quarters & candy which he used to share with me. This caused me so much hurt that I ran away repeatedly…but I had no place to go. We had moved farther away from my baby brother that it was almost impossible to get there by bicycle in a day, and I was always found before I could get very far.

I managed to grow up, but for the first 10 years of my marriage I waited for my husband to leave me, just as everyone I ever cared about had done in the past, starting with my mother when I was 10 months old. I had never had any adult stay in my life for any length of time and learned not to care enough about anyone so that they couldn’t hurt me by leaving. If I felt myself caring too much, I would pull back. It must have been a roller coaster ride for my husband, but he stayed. My children were different and had ALL of my love from the beginning, with nothing held back, and after the initial 10 years and coming to grip with my emotions, my husband did too.

I’m very thankful that I was able to understand my emotions early before it ruined my marriage, and that I didn’t let them consume me in a negative sort of way. I now understand why people did what they did at the time and my response to it. I also understand the importance of talking with your children and explaining certain things to them even if you think they’re too young to understand, you’d be surprised. And please answer their questions…I asked many questions early in my childhood, but the subject was always changed and I soon learned not to ask about certain things because I wasn’t going to get an answer. Don’t do this to your children…answer everything they ask you as honestly and as truthfully as you can.

Why am I thinking about these things today and feeling melancholy? After reading my brother’s blog this morning, I started thinking about the time he had hurt my feelings by turning his back on me when I was so vulnerable…I didn’t understand. Of course he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and probably wasn’t even aware of what was happening either. We were both thrust into a new environment with a brand new family and we coped the best way we knew how. The new family turned out to be wonderful, even their dad who would include my brother and I when he would come to take his children for the day, for an outing of horse back riding or going to the park. I loved all of my step-brothers & sister, and still do, and think of them often and of all the fun things that we did together. We were six brothers and sisters, even if it was just for a little while. And the strange man who picked up my brother & I, on the appointed street corner that day, was none other than their dad. I told you he was nice.