It's late in the evening and I'm here listening to music on the radio. Sometimes it is just nice to sit and listen to whatever is playing on the FM channel of the radio.
I'm in one of those sad moods, maybe not so sad, but something in between sad and feeling content. Sometimes people don't respond to me like I want them to, and it saddens me a lot at first to the point of tears, but these days I get over it really fast, because this is the way I have lived for the past couple of years. I'm pretty used to it now, but there are moments or days when I just can't take it anymore. Tomorrow I'll be fine....I'm almost there now, or maybe I am at the point that I don't care anymore. I'm getting so that I can block hurt feelings really well most of the time, but not this evening.
My feelings are getting hardened. I'm used to the abusive language, the name calling. I'm supposed to smile and laugh at it, but sometimes it hurts me to the core and I remember how nice Jimmy used to treat me. I know I can't compare anyone to Jimmy, that just wouldn't be right because no two people are the same, so I don't usually, but at times when I am feeling really low I can't help but think about how nice and easy things used to be with Jimmy. He never criticized me about anything. I was his Princess and he was my Knight in shining armor and acted like he was proud to be with me. I never had to hide, duck my head or avoid anyone when I was with him. He was proud to introduce me as his to his friends and his family. It's not that way now and maybe it is because I'm not looked at in that way. I'm just someone with more toys than what was available 2 years ago.
I feel deep in my heart that if someone else could have offered more, that's the direction that would have been taken. I feel that it's all about who can offer more. About who is vulnerable, and believe me after October 2014, I was the most vulnerable person on this planet earth, or at least I felt that way. I was an easy target for predators. I always felt like I was, and I can't put the blame totally on anyone else, because I told myself at that time that I would enjoy the company for as long as it lasted. I saw it then loud and clear because what person in their 50's would be interested in a woman in her 70's? It's only for one thing....they wanted to be taken care of. I want to be taken care of too.
Perhaps I'm judging unfairly, but no one need comment. This is just me complaining so that I will feel better, and it's working. I feel better now.
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