It's very hard to love someone who won't let you love them

Rick stopped by this evening to get some of his stuff and said that he would be back when it warms up to get the rest of his stuff.  He is leaving me and he wants me to pay him for half of the boat we bought together and half for the trailer too, but I told him that he could have the boat and sell it for more than I would be able to give him for the boat and the trailer combined.

I asked him why he was leaving me when all that I did was to take the Saturn yesterday because it is the only vehicle that has a trailer hitch on it and I needed it to haul the couch for Brian since he didn't want to do it.   He said he was leaving so that now I could go be with Brian.  That didn't make any sense to me.  I responded with, "Brian is my son, I want to be with you!" but that didn't matter to Rick.  Rick has decided to leave me because he thinks I am choosing my son over him.  I tried to tell him that there is no comparison between the two of them.  One is my son and the other is the person that I want to be with and love.  Rick doesn't have any children and doesn't understand that I can love him and Brian too, but in different ways.  I can't make Rick stay, and I can't force him to love me.  Only he can do that.  It's very hard to love someone who won't let you love them.  That's the way Rick and my relationship have been for a very long time.  Rick pushes me away every chance that he can and it hurts....but he thinks it's funny and a game that he plays.   

Rick blames me for Brian's arrival.  I had absolutely no control over the circumstances of my son showing up at my doorstep with nowhere to go.  I did what any mother would do and welcomed him in to stay until he could find his own place.   That took 3 weeks and now he has his own place.  This is the first time since Brian was 20 yrs. old that he has been alone, without his wife and children around, so he is very emotional and understandably depressed.  He needs me to comfort him and give him some emotional support during this very difficult time in his life.  I think anyone could understand that, but for some reason Rick doesn't understand any of it.

I am also guilty of blaming Brian for Rick & my breakup, but I know that Brian didn't cause it and in reality I think that Rick just used it as an excuse to leave again.  He was probably already on the verge of leaving and Brian became just the excuse that he needed, or why would anyone leave the person that they supposedly love just because one of their children shows up on their doorstep?  Rick left me for 3 weeks while Brian was here and then returned, but why did he return if he was planning on leaving me again?  It just doesn't make sense to me.  Maybe this is how it was meant to be.  I have always believed that things happen for a reason.  That God is in control of our destiny and our lives to some extent.  I just wonder what God has in store for me now, and for Brian and for Rick as well.  I hope we all do well eventually, but it will take time for Brian & I to heal.  Since Rick made the decision to leave, he is feeling no pain and his heart is not broken like ours, so he will be fine.  I just need to make up my mind that this is how it is going to be, that Rick is not coming back.   It's over........