Today is a special day for me because I woke up and walked into the living room without much pain. Most days the pain is so intense that it takes me 3-4 minutes to just make it to my bathroom, and when you wake up and gotta go that seems like a long time getting there. You have to keep telling your body to hold on a little longer and we'll soon be to the bathroom. That's not as easy as one might think when with every step you take your body"s muscles tense up very tightly with pain and it seems like you will never get there and on to the toilet before your urine starts to leak out and run down your legs.
Being old and in so much pain isn't much fun. And it's not fun at all when you live with someone who is so much younger than yourself, and who thinks that you should do more to help around the house. I didn't plan on being the way that I am. I didn't intentionally hurt myself just to get out of work, or to get out of helping Rick do his job at work.
I would give anything if I could feel like I did before Covid even came into the scene. In 2019 I felt great, but in 2016 I felt even greater. I used to have so much energy and I loved to go places. Now just getting out of the house seems like a major chore for me. Rick also has no desire to go anywhere but to go sit on the benches at Sonic and watch the world go by with his brother, and now that McDonald's is back open he is sitting in there I suppose for hours at a time. That's fine, but what about me? I have no life. I wake up, drink coffee, watch Rick go to work and then I sit at home watching 4 walls. I do have Jybow my cat, and I sometimes sit on the front porch with her, but that's it. I talk to Jybow, text my girls and wait for Rick to get home, and he doesn't come home until he has to. I guess his life isn't so great either, or his expectations are limited by his I.Q.
This morning Rick is outside changing the oil in the Zero Turn mower. We've used it over 5 hours, (mostly Rick) so it's time to change it. I bought the new oil and filter at Tractor Supply where the Zero Turn came from, and I'm sure Rick is doing fine just as long as he was able to remove the old filter. That always seems to be the most difficult part of changing oil, or at least it seems that way.
Rick is nice to me in his own crude way. His mouth has no filter on it and he says what he is thinking, which is not always nice to hear. He's not the usual type of male who when asked, "how do I look in this honey?" Rick will tell you the real truth. At times he's asked how I am and I have answered, "Fine," and to this he says back to me, "You're not fine, you're fat and your ugly." Rick's un-censored mouth is our trouble and I suspect this is why he has never been able to keep a girlfriend. Most days I ignore him, but it gets to me on some days and I explode. Rick has admitted to me that sometimes he purposely tries to make me mad enough to explode. It's not that I get mad. I explode because I am hurt and I don't understand why you would want to do that to anyone, and especially to someone who has done nothing but to help you. For a few years I went to work with Rick and I worked for no pay. At first I was supposed to get paid, but that never happened. Everything I did was to help him out. He borrowed my Saturn before he and I ever got together and he was just supposed to use it while he was looking for his own car to drive, but that never happened, the other car that he was supposed to buy. The Saturn is apparently not doing so well (chattering he said), because he now takes my Prius to work and I am left here at home with nothing to drive but the worn out Saturn which he told me had a screw embedded in the back tire....that was a lie he admitted he told me. He lives here and he pays for nothing, not even his food. He says he is taking care of me, so my kids won't have to....and I tell him that I can take care of myself and I don't need him because I can hire someone to do the things he does here for less money than he is costing me. I guess I just needed to get this stuff off my chest.
Rick is not all bad. He does make me laugh and he is fun to be around. He's not the typical partner tho, and I suspect he is gay because he seems more turned on at the sight of men than women. Anyway, I have never turned him on. He's never even ever kissed me or just hugged me out of the blue, or put his arm around me, or even held my hand. He finally told me that he loved me about 3 years into our relationship and I guess why wouldn't he after all I do for him? I shouldn't even be complaining about him because he's outside right now changing the oil, cleaning out my car and his truck. And today he said he would take me somewhere, but I know it's a trade off for tomorrow, and tomorrow he will spend hours hanging out at McDonald's. But I guess a trade off is better than nothing. We all have to compromise.
No comments:
Post a Comment