I've searched my whole life for love that was lasting and true. I was an abandoned child with ever changing parents and role models. The role models were good, but they never lasted and I was forced to begin a new each time. I soon learned not to love, not to trust love because it never lasted long, and soon you would be abandoned again by the people who were supposed to care and love you and protect you. I quickly learned to mistrust everyone.
My entire life I have been searching for a lasting love. I've given myself to anyone who seemed to love me, but it has never lasted for very long.
I truly loved my first husband and to my surprise my marriage lasted for 30 years, but it was an abusive marriage and I finally gave up and left. I had all intentions of returning, but he started drinking more and I could see that it would only be worse for me if I returned so I never did. I did love him, and I loved him all of his entire life. He was my first love and I was devastated when he died even tho I was married to someone else by that time. I had always hoped that one day we would be married again, but he died.
My second husband was more than I could ever have asked for. He loved me, I loved him and our marriage was perfect. I never doubted him and he never made me feel unwanted or unloved. He put me on a pedestal, and for the first time in my life I felt loved. I had no doubts that he didn't love me because every single day he woke up he made me feel very loved and very special and important to him. He treated my children just as if they were his. We had the perfect marriage, we never argued or had any unkind words to say to each other. We spent every day with each other and we loved every moment being together. We went everywhere together and truly enjoyed each others company. Our marriage was a marriage that was made in heaven with the blessings of our Heavenly Father, but unfortunately it ended much too soon with my husbands death after only 20 years of marriage. My heart was shattered into a trillion pieces, and I've never been the same since his death.
I loved my first husband and I love my second husband, and if my first husband would have not died, I would have seriously considered going back to him if he would have had me, but he was dead and I had no one to turn to. I was alone again and a lost soul.
I had fallen in love with another man after I left my first husband, but he left me for another woman and I never got over him either. When I love I love forever, but when one of my loves dies there is no going back.
God put me on this earth for some reason, but why I don't know. It sure wasn't for me to have an everlasting love. I'm loyal, if you love me I will love you with all my heart and I will never give you any reason to mistrust me. I learned at a very young age that people you love will leave you, so I have always tried to be as good and loyal to anyone who has loved me so they wouldn't leave me, but it hasn't worked that way for me. Complete loyalty and faithfulness doesn't guarantee that anyone will stay with you. Maybe if I was beautiful and irresistible I could keep someone. Maybe if I had a good personality and made them laugh I could keep someone. Maybe if I was a really good cook I could keep someone, but I used to be a very good cook at one time and that ended badly too. I was a very hard worker and that worked for a while, but that didn't keep anyone either. I just heard that they wished their new girlfriend worked as hard as I did, but that didn't help me because they stayed with their new girlfriend.....for a while. They would eventually come back, but after they left me for someone else I didn't trust them ever again and didn't take them back. I refuse to be anyone's second choice. If you didn't love me enough not to cheat, then don't come crawling back to me. I might give you one chance, but not two.
I feel sorry for myself. I'm in a relationship right now that is not going anywhere and is only getting worse by the day. He has no respect for me, and he has never loved me. He won't leave and is just waiting for me to die. He thinks it won't be too long now and he's just barely hanging on. This makes me want to live for another twenty or so years just to punish him. Everyday I wait for him to tell me that he has met someone else to torment, but so far I guess no one has taken the bait. I'll genuinely feel sorry for whoever it is, but I won't shed a tear or say a word of warning to them. It wouldn't do any good anyway, so why bother. They'll find out how he is soon enough. Actually, I really do want him to be happy, (so I hope he finds someone who will treat him exactly like he has treated me). LOL
1 comment:
Dennis says /good Morning.
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