So many deaths, So much illness

There have been so many deaths of loved ones and friends all within the last two to three weeks, and it has put me in a semi-depressive state of mind.  I've gone back to feeling those same feelings of loss.  Those feelings of when I lost those closest to me, and everyday I think of them again with those same feelings of a broken heart, and a deep sense of loss.

I'd list their names, but I'm afraid that I would forget someone, or leave someone important out, and I sure don't want to do that.

I have cried for the last two days, knowing the loss and heartache that the one left behind is feeling.  And I have also cried for a friend of mine who is about to lose her husband to that dreaded disease of cancer.  She may not lose him today or next year, but it's almost inevitable with someone suffering with Stage 4 cancer.  No one has said that it is Stage 4; this is just an educated guess when they announced that he had colon, liver and lung cancers all at the same time.  I'm hoping that they are wrong, but still they both have a fight on their hands.  I'm sure it's extremely tough on him, and I know that she will try to be the strong one and hold her feelings in as she takes good care of him, but I know what's in store for her, and I know that even tho she knows he will be leaving her, you are still not prepared no matter how much people say, "at least you had time to say your goodbyes and were prepared for his death."  NO!  It still comes as a shock, and even tho you know he is no longer suffering, you still miss him and your heart is breaking beyond any feeling that you've ever felt.

At the funeral or memorial service people walk up to you and tell you that things will get better, that he is in a better place, but that doesn't make things any better.  I had one woman walk up to me and say, "no matter what people are telling you, things are going to get much worse and you are going to miss him more with each day.  It doesn't get better.  You just learn to live with the pain, the heartache."  That is so true.

When I lost my husband I lost my whole family.  I didn't know how to grieve and just put myself into a cocoon, and stayed away from everyone.  I tried to only be around strangers, so that I could forget and put the pain behind me, but in the long run that didn't work at all.  In the end I had to grieve and that only made the grieving process last much longer, and my great-grandchildren in the meantime grew older without really getting to know me.  We all grieve differently, but we all grieve.

When ambulances pass my house I can't help but shed a few tears for whoever needs the ambulance and I say a prayer for them and for their families.  I pray all day sometimes off and on.  I pray everyday and grieving has brought me much closer to Jesus, and to my God.

I'm especially praying for Bubby and for Betty.  They have a hard fight with cancer ahead of them both.  A cancer diagnosis involves the whole family, so my prayers will be directed at all of them.