Easter Sunday ended 2 minutes ago, and it ended like the last 3 Easter Sunday's have ended, on a sad note.
I am again awake during the midnight and wee hours of every morning for the last 3 nights. I am disappointed at how my days end and have been disappointed in them since last year (2016). The days are fine, and I do have fun, don't get me wrong, but it's the nights which are the loneliest and the longest to get through. I miss having a husband and someone to love, and someone who will love me back. We all deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect, but that doesn't always happen.
I guess I'm just expecting too much out of life these days, and I'm not getting what I need in return, so I've quit trying to please anyone else. It's going to be all about pleasing myself from now on, and thinking of only what is best for me, and not what is best for someone else. That doesn't work and is not working for me.
I've gotten mixed signals for the last 10 months. They care and they don't care, it changes from day to day. I'm through playing games, because I was never one to play games in the first place. You are either with me or you're not. There is no in-between.
We've been staying at home taking it easy. We're just about fully recovered from our cough and colds, but still have a slight voice thing still hanging on. Went over to Harold & Callie's and I hope that the cold that Harold has didn't come from us. He said he caught it while in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee but he might just be saying that to be nice.
All has been well here at home. My kitty cats are happy being outside and free to roam, and they are doing very well except for one little siamese kitten who was attacked by a tomcat. Her neck is healing well and she is full of energy. I've seen her playing and chasing around the yard with her black litter mate. Jybow and Squeak are both doing fine. Lacey has moved on to make her home elsewhere and I haven't seen her in several months now. Squeak who never liked the out of doors, is loving the back yard and seldom is seen on the front porch or out of the yard. Little Harley, a siamese cat, stays at Leo & Cassandra's house most of the time with their dog Blackie. Most of the tomcats have moved on to find new territories of their own except for two of them, the black one and the gray fluffy one. They still remain here and haven't moved on with the rest of their litter mates. That litter was all male except for one non breeding female who has also moved on after 2 years with no kittens. The only tame breeding female is Little Harley, which I said had been staying at Leo's most of the time.
We have had lots of rain and more rain is expected, so once the sun comes out the grass will shoot up and it will mark the start of mowing season. Since someone special trimmed all of my trees so that they don't hit me in the head, mowing is much more enjoyable and easier, and it doesn't take nearly as long to mow without all those obstacles in the way.
I'm finally settling down and I'm more at peace with my life as it is now. I don't run the roads anymore and I'm much happier. The loss of Jimmy was a great loss, but life goes on and after two and a half years I am finally dealing with the loss much better than I had been. I'm no longer angry with what life dealt me. I have one person to thank for helping me cope and for keeping my home afloat. One person who cared enough to stay during the hard times and who didn't abandon me when I was at my worst. I thank God everyday for bringing this person into my life. He's a very good friend and everyone should be blessed with someone as caring and as helpful as Rick. #feelingloved
He thinks it is all about him going to McDonald’s but it is not. I'm not upset about that. It’s all about the way he treats me when he is home. I had enough yesterday and the day before with his ever changing moods, and I wish that he had stood his ground and stayed, but he didn’t this time, and for that I am sorry, and I miss him.
This morning I helped to sweep out a new home under construction for the second time. It was much harder today because it was just drywall dust particles and not a bunch of trash left over by construction workers. By trash I mean pieces of sawed off lumber, cardboard, sawdust, paper, pieces of insulation, foam, pieces of plumbing and electrical supplies, and stuff like that including some pop cans. Today it was so dusty that my hair turned white and my clothes were covered in a white chalky dust, including my black shoes that also turned white by the time we were finished. It was fun tho and it makes me wish that I had a job......a part-time job that is, and not something permanent. Just something to make a few extra bucks each month.
I feel good now, proving that a little work helps to improve the soul.
It's Monday and I had a wonderful weekend, and I'm looking forward to many more weekends like this past weekend, and maybe even better ones. In truth, I am probably living in a fantasy world of my own imagination, but I'm going to enjoy every minute of it while it lasts.
Since Jimmy died people have lied and cheated, and have left me heartbroken. I don't know what or who to believe anymore, or if I should ever even believe anyone. Right now I'm happy again, whether this relationship goes any further or not. I have a good friend and I don't want to do anything, anything at all to jeopardize our friendship, and the way things are at the moment.
I don't want to change anyone except myself to be a better person. I do want to be loved and needed again. I want someone to say that they can't live without me in their life, and that everyday that they know me they love me even more with each passing day. I know it's possible because I loved someone like this once, and I want this again.
Yesterday Rick called and asked me to come pick him up, so I went. We had a nice talk, or he talked to me and laid down the new set of ground rules for our relationship as friends. They were the same rules that have always been in place as far as our friendship goes. I finally got the answer to why he got mad at me and he said that he was tired and that was all. I apologized to him for the way I behaved and it all ended well. We are back to being good friends once again. End of Story..........
I'm taking one day at a time. I got a good nights sleep last night and spent a short time with an old bf who I find enjoyable being around. He always says the right things, and he managed to lift my spirits up, if only for the short time I was with him. He always says that he loves me bunches n bunches, so that is always comforting to hear. Maybe not so believable, but comforting none the less when I am feeling down.
I only consented on going over to see my old bf because he called and said that he was out of toilet tissue, milk & bread and I had some extra here that I wasn't using, so I took it on over. Most of my current supply of food was passed down to me by another friend, so I just passed it a little further on down the line. God wants us all to help each other and to share our bounty when we see someone in need.
I'm sure that I will be okay now that I have been told by RA what the problem was on Sunday morning. If I would have known I would have acted appropriately and amused myself for the day (Sunday) without a problem. But the real problem was that I didn't know what the problem was, and I became offended and I reacted poorly, and of that I am sorry, very sorry. But sorry won't bring my friend back to me in the same condition that he used to be. Things have changed so much, that I don't think that we will ever get back to where we once were, to that innocence of friendship.
I just have to turn my life over to God and let Him show me the way. Let Him lead me in the right path, the path that He wants me to follow. I'm sure that He has something great in store for me if I just have the patience to wait.
Been home all week thinking things over and how I over-reacted to things I shouldn't have even reacted to, as a friend. I need to stop taking life and people so seriously and start enjoying myself again. I hope that my friend and I can continue being friends and I'm sorry for the way things turned out between us. I'm hoping that he will forgive me for the way I acted last Sunday. It wasn't a very adult thing for me to do and I acted like a child throwing a temper tantrum over something I didn't even understand. I would still like to know what it was that I did, but that's really not the most important thing anymore. What is important to me is my friend, and I hope he comes back so that we can continue on. I've spent these past few days crying and if I hurt my best friend in any way, I'm so sorry and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. He knows that I would do anything for him, and that I'm a good friend, so I hope he calls me and all is forgiven.
I got a good nights sleep last night and I'm feeling better emotionally this morning. I just need to accept what has happened between my friend and I. I always thought that friends couldn't hurt me, but I was very wrong, they can cut your heart out with a knife just like a lover can.
Rick fixed my bike and got it running. So this morning, before it got too hot, I rode around 130 miles. It runs really well, and you know me, I had to test it at all speeds, but since it's not 100% and still has some problems, I didn't go as fast as I would have liked to have gone. I kept it below 80 mph just to be safe.
Here I am stopping for a rest and to adjust the volume on my tape deck and the FM/AM radio. To my surprise it worked, so I really enjoyed my ride listening to the music of the movie, "Good Morning Vietnam."
One side of my training wheels has a broken or missing bracket and something must have happened to the shock on the rear of my bike during my accident last year, because it won't hold any air pressure. It still rides good tho and the man who installed the Voyager kit said that you can still ride the bike safely when both brackets on both sides (of my training wheels) are broken. It will just have more sway. I do want it fixed tho and I'm still looking for a mechanic who knows how to repair Voyager Kits. I have the parts needed but the man who installed it originally has gone to heaven by now I'm sure.
So, while everyone was off working, or away, I snuck off and went for this ride all by myself. Everyone seems to think that because of my age and my lack of big muscles that I can't ride alone anymore or handle this big bike. Granted it is a big heavy 1300 cc and it does take some muscle power on these little curvy Kentucky roads, but I made it home safely. The only problem that I had was pushing it out of the building and this should get better with time and more muscles. I have to admit that I did get out of breath pushing it out of the building, but I rested while the bike warmed up.
I can't wait to go on more rides.
Although he lives with pain, there is one thing that I can say for sure about him.....He's not lazy, but he can't do what he used to do and these pictures were compiled over the last 24 months or so. His pain has gotten worse and it takes him longer to recover after a day or two of work, so work for him is spread out. Working one or two full days takes him a month or two to recover, but when he does things for me, he can work at a much slower pace, sit down when he likes and stop when he's too tired to go on. But even with his problems I have to give him credit for all that he has done for me since Jimmy died, when I let things go and get run down around here. Thanks to Rick, the place is looking better.
