Friday, May 11, 2007

Adult content...not for children's ears

Some of the best jokes that really make me laugh come from California...from my cousin Arlene. I'd like to share a couple of them. The first one is cute but if you get offended easily, don't read the second joke.

Joke: Old Butch

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well!
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Does this remind you of some of our politicians?
If you don't want to be offended, STOP HERE because this next joke is titled:
Something To Offend Nearly Everyone
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
Happy Mother's Day
to all of you mothers out there!
Enjoy your special day
with the ones that you love
by your side...or by telephone or email.
My mother's day celebrations
have already begun.
First I gave my oldest daughter Sharon
her first ride on the back of my bike,
and she didn't even scream!
She treated me to supper at my favorite restaurant
for Mother's Day.
And did I mention that this was the FIRST time
that I left the house on my bike all alone,
without my soul mate Jimmy by my side.
I even stopped for gas,
which was another first for me:
Did you know that gas cost more than $1.29 per gallon now?
Just kidding, I know it's $3.09 :(
The next day I received a special card
and a beautiful hanging basket of
pretty petunias from Sandie & Glen.
Sunday we are going on a Mother's Day Ride
if weather permits and then out to eat.
I'm hoping that my grandson Brandon will join me
on the back of my bike for a ride.
Please don't forget to bring your helmet
and your sunglasses if you want to join us.
A bike might be helpful too,
but if you'd rather drive a car,
that's fine with me too!


PEA said...

Oh Sandy, what a way to start my having such a good laugh! lol Loved the jokes and no, I don't offend easily! lol Sounds like you're going to have a great Mother's Day...hope the weather co-operates for the Mother's Day Ride! I'd love to join you but I'm having my mom over for a barbecue:-) Happy Mother's Day dear friend! xox

anne bebbington said...

I don't offend easily either and from a UK perspective it's fascinating to hear US jokes - ours would be similar just picking on other groups of people

Val said... naturally I skipped to the second joke straight away! Not offended at all, but curious about the Mississippi farmer with the sheep - if it's what I think it is, sounds like something you might hear about New Zealand.

Rachel said...

Great jokes Sandy! I'm sure you will have a wonderful Mother's day and it sounds great so far!!

Boo on gas prices!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!!