FUNNIES

A little Sunday humor

Today the temp has reached 60+º F, the sun is shining but it’s a little wet outside. It hasn’t rained today and Jimmy is trying to convince me that it’s heavy dew, but when does dew leave puddles??? It must have rained during the night sometime.

I haven’t been to Wal*Mart since before Christmas and I haven’t forgotten the crowds, so when Jimmy suggested we needed to make a visit there I wasn’t too thrilled. He said we were almost out of birdseed and cat food, so I suggested we make a trip while everyone else was in church.

I knew that we shouldn’t have gone to our local store here in town and just headed to the store which we had purchased the birdseed in the first place. I tried to tell him that just because it’s a Wal*Mart it doesn’t mean that they each carry the same items in each store. Well by now I know you guessed what happened. They didn’t have the specific type of birdseed that he wanted and the trip there cost us $68. Granted that was less than a trip to that particular store usually costs us, but if we hadn’t gone, we’d still have the $68. The only good thing that came out of that visit was that we stayed in there too long and ran into Sharon & Scott doing a little shopping after church. I invited them over for chili but their minister had just put the entire congregation on a two week liquid fast. I guess so they will be pure & all cleaned out inside when they move to their brand new church in two weeks.

Oh…and I did remember to buy a box of saltine crackers for our chili while I was there, so the $68 wasn’t a total loss.

The chili has been simmering and is now done. I was once told, “Feed them and they will come,” so I’m waiting to see who will come by to eat this pot full of chili that I made for out Sunday dinner. I also have some chicken for those that come and might not like chili.

Later….

It’s 3:30 and I’m still waiting for someone, anyone to stop by while I sip on a hot cup of green tea…Honey Lemon Ginseng to be exact. Who’s the one that fed me that fictitious line…”Feed them and they will come.” I think it was Sharon.

Well, here’s some real Sunday School Humor that I ran across while waiting for anyone off the street to stop in for a nice hot bowl of my famous chili:

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

An elderly woman died last month! Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive. I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam. “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby sitter.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

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CORRECTION…Just a minor correction to my last post if you read it. I was telling Jimmy that I had mentioned that he was helping to put up 33 trusses in a new barn and Jimmy exclaimed, “Thirty-three trusses! We weren’t building a warehouse. There were only 12 trusses.” I stand corrected. I guess he didn’t work as hard as I thought, hehehe.

Adult content...not for children's ears

Some of the best jokes that really make me laugh come from California...from my cousin Arlene. I'd like to share a couple of them. The first one is cute but if you get offended easily, don't read the second joke.

Joke: Old Butch

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
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The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
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Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
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The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
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John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well!
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Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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Does this remind you of some of our politicians?

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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

If you don't want to be offended, STOP HERE because this next joke is titled:

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Something To Offend Nearly Everyone

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Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

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Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar

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Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong

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Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment

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Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?

A. They're hiring

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Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

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Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A. A pimp.

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Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

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Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

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Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

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Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

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Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

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Happy Mother's Day

to all of you mothers out there!

Enjoy your special day

with the ones that you love

by your side...or by telephone or email.

:)

My mother's day celebrations

have already begun.

First I gave my oldest daughter Sharon

her first ride on the back of my bike,

and she didn't even scream!

She treated me to supper at my favorite restaurant

for Mother's Day.

And did I mention that this was the FIRST time

that I left the house on my bike all alone,

without my soul mate Jimmy by my side.

I even stopped for gas,

which was another first for me:

Did you know that gas cost more than $1.29 per gallon now?

Just kidding, I know it's $3.09 :(

:)

The next day I received a special card

and a beautiful hanging basket of

pretty petunias from Sandie & Glen.

:)

Sunday we are going on a Mother's Day Ride

if weather permits and then out to eat.

I'm hoping that my grandson Brandon will join me

on the back of my bike for a ride.

Please don't forget to bring your helmet

and your sunglasses if you want to join us.

A bike might be helpful too,

but if you'd rather drive a car,

that's fine with me too!

:)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY !!!