Wednesday, July 27, 2016

All I want is to feel happy again

To this day I still don't know what happened between Rick and I.  We were fine one minute and not the next.  I have no idea what I did to cause him to stop talking to me, and it bothers me to no end not to know what it was that I did, so that I won't ever repeat that type of behavior again.  I miss my friend and I hate how his behavior towards me caused me to slam doors and to run off on my trike.  I came right back and wanted to talk, but he refused and left. I wanted to know what I had done to deserve this, but he wouldn't tell me.  

I still cry thinking about how good everything was between us, and I want to know why his mood changed so suddenly towards me.  We had stopped at McDonald's and that's when it all went haywire. He turned his back on me while we sat on the front bench and I knew then that he didn't want to be seen with me, afraid that someone might think that we are more than the friends that we are. Personally, this bothers me a lot and it hurts my feelings that I am not even good enough to be seen in his company.  It's like he is ashamed of me.  Of course I can't tell anyone how I feel about this, because it's my problem and my own personal hurt.  I just accept it like a good little trooper and pretend that we didn't arrive together or leave together.  Heaven forbid that anyone should think that we are more than friends, but that's all we are.....just friends, and if nobody wants to believe this, then it is not my problem.  I can't control how people think, but God knows that we are only good friends, and He is all that counts.

I wish I could stop crying about Rick, but I can't.  It's still like an open sore that won't heal up.  I haven't gone anywhere since he drove away and have locked myself in the house away from everything and everyone.  I won't call him because I won't beg for his friendship.  That has to come freely on its own.  I wasn't the one that left without an explanation only saying that we needed a few days apart.  And I wasn't the one that hurt him and made him cry.  I didn't do anything but react to his behavior, but when I react, I do react badly.  Of that I am guilty of and only of that!

I try to treat everyone nice, just like I would like them to treat me.  I'm a good person and the last thing that I want to do is to hurt anyone.  I know from past experiences how it feels to be hurt, to suffer heartache and loss, and that's the one thing that I would not wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

All I want is an explanation and then he can go away if that is what he really wants to do.  I'm too insecure for anything less, and I refuse to be treated badly.  If I have done something to offend, then I also deserve to know what it was that I did, so that I won't make that mistake again.       

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