This morning I got a hug from Rick. Granted he was leaving for work in about 15 minutes or so, but he still asked for a hug and hugged me like he has never hugged me before. It wasn't a bear hug, but a sort of half hug, but it was so special because he hugged me on his very own without me first initiating it or looking like I was waiting for one. He usually hugs me like he hugs everyone else.
He also didn't do the hug this morning where you repeatedly tap someone on the back as he usually does. This always indicates to me that he is giving me a hug like he would casually give a hug to someone that you really don't want to be hugging in the first place. Like he's tapping on your back to remind you to let go now, that he has had enough hug.
No, this morning there was no tapping on my back for the first time. He actually held me, and for the first time I could feel the tenderness in his hug. Even tho he was in a hurry to get to work, he didn't seem in a hurry with his hug.
I'm almost afraid of feeling so content and happy about getting a special hug like that, because at one time I was so in love and so happy, it had nothing to do with a hug, but just how loved he made me feel, and then all of a sudden my love left me for another much younger woman and shattered my heart for many years. I don't think I'm even over it yet, but have just learned to live with the hurt, and to put it in the back of my mind. Of course it was Delbert, and because of him I don't let myself totally fall in love with anyone and I'm very cautious and guarded with my feelings.
Anyway......Rick hugged me this morning and it was special, but I feel very insecure feeling this way. I know that I shouldn't, but deep in my soul I know that this feeling just didn't start with Delbert, but is a result of my childhood. I've always known that I have separation anxiety, or at least that's what I call it. I was forced at an extremely young age to live in many households, and just when you got used to one and started caring, you would get yanked out and forced to move to a new household with a whole new set of people, and after a while you learned not to love anyone or you would get hurt. I let my guard down with my first husband and let myself love him totally after several years of marriage, but in the end that didn't work out like I had hoped it would and we went our separate ways. I've always regretted that except I never regretted Jimmy Wallace and the years we spent together......never for one moment.
I think I'm too hard on myself when it comes to love. I try to totally give my heart to whomever I'm with, and I'm with Rick now and he has my heart. He can break it or love it, it's his choice, but most of my time with Rick, I'm not feeling loved. I'm still waiting for that first kiss or for him to just grab my hand and hold it in his, nothing too monumental, but coming from Rick it would be. I'm still waiting for him to lean into me when our picture is taken together. He often leans away from me as if to say, "I'm not with her," and it secretly hurts my feelings.
Rick doesn't show affection freely. Like hand holding, first kiss, making love, or just saying nice things to me, but the first real hug is out of the way now and like I said, it was very special.
I don't mean Rick is a total emotionless jerk because he did pick me some wild flowers twice, and I thought that was very sweet of him. They were actually weeds that were blooming, but they were flowers none the less and I loved the gesture. You just have to know Rick to be able to recognize when something monumental happens like a first real hug. It took him years before he uttered the words, "I love you," to me and even tho he still uses them sparingly, he does say them to me once in a while now.
So once in a while I feel loved by Rick, but it is only once in a while. Apparently his childhood was no better or probably even worse than mine.
UPDATE: Tuesday June 7, 2022..............Well, I was right! It's best not to get to feeling too comfortable and satisfied with yourself in this relationship. Sometime around 11:00 a.m. yesterday morning I discovered that Rick forgot to take his cell phone with him to work, and that he was working alone and wouldn't have any way to call anyone if he needed help or anything. So being the nice person that I am I hopped in my car and drove it over to him, but I couldn't find him at the job site where he was supposed to be, so I drove to other locations searching for him. I even drove to McDonald's or Sonic thinking that he might have stopped there. Then I drove to his bosses office thinking that maybe he left the Saturn there and went somewhere with his boss. If I would have found the Saturn I would have just placed the phone inside for him to find when he returned, but I couldn't find him or the Saturn. I drove on home and there he was.
Rick usually doesn't come home at noon even if he gets off at noon. He goes visiting either at McDonald's, Sonic or over to Tommy's apartment, and doesn't come to my house until between 5-7 p.m., so I was surprised to see him home when I got home at noon. He was visibly mad.
He was mad at me for trying to take his cell phone to him. I told him that I was only trying to help, but he wouldn't listen and told me not to ever be touching his phone. There you have it. After very few words I got into my car and drove to Camp Nelson to talk to Jimmy Wallace. Before I made the trip I stopped at McDonald's and got me a milk shake and apple pie for the ride. I sat in the shade at Camp Nelson and ate my pies and drank my shake and talked to Jimmy. I watched two funerals and knew exactly how those people were feeling about the loss of their loved ones. I said a prayer for those two families and then I drove back home. Rick was gone by this time on my 3 wheeled motorcycle. It was close to 90 degrees and usually he refuses to take us for a ride when it is that hot. He just can't stand it, but today I guess he made an exception and took the motorcycle out anyway. I sat out on the porch swing for a while and then I heard the rumble of thunder in the distance getting closer and closer, and in about half hour Rick returned home just in time for the heavy downpour of rain. Of course he was still mad that I touched his cell phone.
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