What???

 My TV gave me a scare today.  I was fooling around on my cell phone, leaving comments on Facebook that I know will eventually get me into trouble, when I suddenly looked up and saw the TV screen.

I thought to myself what happened?  Am I going to have to buy a new TV too along with a much needed riding lawnmower?  Surely not!

I guess I left the TV alone for probably 30 minutes to see if it would change.  It didn't and finally Rick walked back inside and turned it off.

By this time I was already in the car ready to go to Lowe's to buy two treated 2x10's ten feet long.  I then asked Rick if he saw the TV screen with all the pretty colored squares (I know they're rectangles, but I was talking to Rick). He said he did and asked me if we needed a new TV.  I said NO and explained to him that the strong wind gusts probably just knocked out channel 18, and I'd check it out after we got back home.

We bought the ten foot long pieces of treated lumber and lucky for us Rick thought to bring the circular saw with us, because Lowe's won't cut treated lumber, and have you ever tried to haul ten foot long 2x10's in a Prius?

We were told that there was an electrical plug somewhere outside Lowe's directly behind the new mowers.  Well that lumber salesman was wrong.  Yes there was one outdoor plug, but it was dead and it wasn't behind the mowers.  Rick finally found a live female plug just inside the doors and you should have seen him rolling that cart with ten foot long boards into Lowe's and blocking everyone from entering.  We were like the 3 Stooges.  A customer stopped to help Rick while another customer or two waited to get in.  Rick sawed each board in half, we apologized to those who patiently waited to enter the store.  Rick knew he had to saw quickly before the store manager came to inquire about what was going on.  Rick then loaded the 4 boards into the Prius and off we were to Fazolis for supper.

As soon as I walked into the house I turned on the TV and the pretty colored rectangles were all gone.  The TV is fine, and Rick is outside building a ramp so that he can get the Badboy out to mow.  Not today, but real soon.

Keep those we love in your prayers

I haven't been here in a couple of months it seems, but I'm still writing in a journal on my cell phone.  I love blogging but I need a new laptop because mine has gotten outdated and no longer loads up any new pictures, and I love using pictures when I blog.

A wonderful thing that has happened since I've been here is that my grandson Brandon and his little family of three have stopped by to visit twice.  It is so, so nice seeing them and I really miss not seeing Ody.  The next time that I see Ody he will probably be one year old.  Four visits in one year is unacceptable, but it's my fault because I don't get out much.

I've become a couch potato.  I go out to my front porch twice a day to feed my kitty cat Squeak and that's it.  I haven't been anywhere to speak of in nine years and since my total hip replacement a year after Brian died, I have hardly been out of the house.  I did go fishing a few times, but walking on uneven banks is pretty risky for me.  I tend to lose my balance very easily and being out on a lake bank hurt, all alone,  does not sound good and especially when there is no cell phone service there.  I'd have to wait until some fisherman stumbled up on me.

We've had some really pretty Spring days lately.  It rained last night and everything looks green.  Rick mowed my backyard a few days ago, but this rain has shot it up again and it looks like it needs mowing again.

My sweet little granddaughter Megan is in need of prayer today, God knows the reason.  Delores Powell is also in need of prayer.  I'm also going to keep Brandon H. and Kathy Agee in my prayers.  We are all still mourning the recent loss of Harold Grant and Callie Hayes, and the rest of our sweet angels in heaven. 

Rick has been taking really good care of me.  He insists on doing all the cooking, so I get a nice hot breakfast/brunch and supper.  He keeps himself busy with projects and when he has free time he goes to visit his brothers, Tommy at McDonald's and Bubby (Robert) at his home.  Bubby is doing very well with his Stage IV cancer.  The chemo has shrunk the cancer and maybe some surgery may be scheduled after Cat & Pet Scans are completed.  Bubby is doing great and keeps himself busy with many projects around his home.  He's even gained a little weight back.  Rick told me that Bubby was keeping busy by making fishing lures out of wood, and is looking forward to going fishing soon.  Keep Bubby in your prayers, that he continues to do well.   They seem to have come a long way with chemo since Jimmy.  Even tho I have moved on with Rick, I still miss Jimmy.  He was one of a kind.

Rick has finished working on his project for today and just left to go to McDonald's to visit with Tommy and whoever else might be there.  Men like to loaf there and talk about whatever men talk about.  I'm getting ready to watch The Resident on Netflix before I take my shower.  This evening, instead of cooking, Rick is bringing home supper for us.  Don't know what it will be yet.

Everyone have a nice enjoyable day, pray for those who need prayer, and stay safe.  Don't forget to hug your pets too. 

UPDATE:  Please add Ray Powell to your prayers     

Feeling bad for my Squeak

 This is about the third cold day and we have about 3 inches of snow on the ground and extremely frigid temperatures outside.  It was 9 degrees F. outside last night.  My sweet Squeak has a heated cat house with many blankets inside for her to bundle up with, but I still worry about her being alone outside in these temps without Jybow snuggling up to her anymore.  Jybow was around last winter, but was killed by a pit bull early last year, so Squeak is alone to brave the elements.  If it gets too cold I won't hesitate to bring her inside, but I still worry about these cold temps.  Today the high is only around 12 degrees, and she hasn't come out of her heated house.  She has stayed in all snuggled in her blankets and heated floor.  I really don't blame her.

We let a little Spring female kitten stay here last Spring and finally in the Fall, the kitten and Squeak had become friends.  We had hoped that the kitten and Squeak would nuzzle together in the heated cat house for this winter, but right before winter the kitten got run over and we found her dead on the road one morning.  That was kind of a blow to us because now we realized that Squeak would bed down alone in the cold winter nights.

As I previously said, I worry about Squeak, but I don't have a litter box or litter to put in the house and right now I'm still not over whatever sickness I am just getting over with.  In early December 2023 both Rick and I got sick.  Rick was tested and had Covid.  He was very sick and a week later I was tested and did not have Covid, nor the flu, nor RSV, but I did have an infection in my left lung.  We both were treated with prescription medications and are slowly getting better, but not well enough to go out and buy litter or a litter box.  Whether Squeak would use it is another matter.  But if the temps fall below zero I won't hesitate to bring her inside for the rest of the winter.  I do realize that once I bring her in I cannot put her back out again.  That would be cruel.  Squeak never volunteers to come inside the house even when the door is propped open, as when we are carrying in groceries, so I know she doesn't want to come in, but for her own safety I will bring her in if necessary.

My Birthday Surprises

 I had the Best Birthday ever from Rick this year.  It wasn't the money spent, but the quality of time spent with me and the places he took me to.  It started with Saturday night at the river listening to a live band play for about 4 hours.  They were good and the name of the band was Vanguard, and they were from Lexington, Ky.

Before going out to hear the band play we went to Wendy's for Chili and a hamburger and fries.  That was so we wouldn't get hungry while listening to the band.  The band was appearing at Proud Mary's, a local restaurant at Clays Ferry, which also sold alcohol, so many people were drinking, eating and dancing while their kids played in a huge sandbox.

After we left Proud Mary's Rick was hungry so we stopped at a McDonald's, bought burgers and took them home to eat.  The next day, which was really my actual birth date, Rick took me for a motorcycle ride and we ended up at Madison County Regional Airport.  There was a big jet there, so we unlocked the gate and went inside the tarmac to get a closer view of the jet.  We don't see too many small jets land here, but they do land here at times.  We waited there and soon it boarded and took off, so we came on home.

We were waiting at home killing time for about an hour and then Rick was going to take me out for a birthday dinner at Derby City Truck Stop in Mt.Vernon, Ky. because I like to eat there and then we were going to go to Lake Linville and watch the sunset, but we didn't get to do any of this because a friend called Rick and asked him what we were doing, so Rick told them that it was my birthday and that I wanted to go out to dinner.  They quickly told us to be ready in ten to fifteen minutes and they would pick us up and treat us to a birthday dinner.  In about seven minutes they pulled up in a brand new Mercedes Benz and we were off for a great adventure in the country.  We drove on roads we have never been on before and saw some of the most beautiful countryside that I had never been to or seen before.  After about an hours drive we ended up somewhere near Nicholasville at a Malone's Restaurant.  There I was treated like the Princes that I am, (haha) and we ate some of the most delicious food that I have tasted in a while.  Nothing was spared, they even insisted that I have a goblet of wine with my meal.  They all made me feel so special.  They even sang Happy Birthday to me as loud as they could.  We all had so much fun.  On the long way home they turned on music that we could all relate to and we sang out loud all the way home.  

It was a birthday that I won't forget.  It's not often that I spend time with friends like that, and they said that they would like to do this more if it was alright with us.  I'm looking forward to more fun times spent with friends, but next time I won't be drinking anymore wine.  That was something that was just out of the ordinary for me and for Rick.

Rick wants to go back to Proud Mary's again next weekend, and I'm looking forward to it.  Rick doesn't dance, and I do just fine wiggling around in my chair to the beat of the music.  I'm quite content with that.

My two wonderful and loving daughters gave me an Adidas jacket that I love for my birthday, and I will be wearing it tonight when I go to watch Carson play ball.  All in all, I had a wonderful birthday.  My children have always made sure that my birthdays were great, but this year for the first time in nine years, Rick remembered my birthday and showed me that I was someone special to him and he made my birthday last for the whole entire weekend.

Thank you all for making me feel so special.  I love all of you.

Oh, and I can't forget to mention the birthday videos that I received from Sharon & Bo, and from Megan & Myles.  They were so cute.  

Baby Step Milestone

 This morning I got a hug from Rick.  Granted he was leaving for work in about 15 minutes or so, but he still asked for a hug and hugged me like he has never hugged me before.  It wasn't a bear hug, but a sort of half hug, but it was so special because he hugged me on his very own without me first initiating it or looking like I was waiting for one.  He usually hugs me like he hugs everyone else.  

He also didn't do the hug this morning where you repeatedly tap someone on the back as he usually does.  This always indicates to me that he is giving me a hug like he would casually give a hug to someone that you really don't want to be hugging in the first place.  Like he's tapping on your back to remind you to let go now, that he has had enough hug.

No, this morning there was no tapping on my back for the first time.  He actually held me, and for the first time I could feel the tenderness in his hug.  Even tho he was in a hurry to get to work, he didn't seem in a hurry with his hug.  

I'm almost afraid of feeling so content and happy about getting a special hug like that, because at one time I was so in love and so happy, it had nothing to do with a hug, but just how loved he made me feel,  and then all of a sudden my love left me for another much younger woman and shattered my heart for many years.  I don't think I'm even over it yet, but have just learned to live with the hurt, and to put it in the back of my mind.  Of course it was Delbert, and because of him I don't let myself totally fall in love with anyone and I'm very cautious and guarded with my feelings.

Anyway......Rick hugged me this morning and it was special, but I feel very insecure feeling this way.  I know that I shouldn't, but deep in my soul I know that this feeling just didn't start with Delbert, but is a result of my childhood.  I've always known that I have separation anxiety, or at least that's what I call it.  I was forced at an extremely young age to live in many households, and just when you got used to one and started caring, you would get yanked out and forced to move to a new household with a whole new set of people, and after a while you learned not to love anyone or you would get hurt.  I let my guard down with my first husband and let myself love him totally after several years of marriage, but in the end that didn't work out like I had hoped it would and we went our separate ways.  I've always regretted that except I never regretted Jimmy Wallace and the years we spent together......never for one moment.

I think I'm too hard on myself when it comes to love.  I try to totally give my heart to whomever I'm with, and I'm with Rick now and he has my heart.  He can break it or love it, it's his choice, but most of my time with Rick, I'm not feeling loved.  I'm still waiting for that first kiss or for him to just grab my hand and hold it in his, nothing too monumental, but coming from Rick it would be.  I'm still waiting for him to lean into me when our picture is taken together.  He often leans away from me as if to say, "I'm not with her," and it secretly hurts my feelings.

Rick doesn't show affection freely.  Like hand holding, first kiss, making love, or just saying nice things to me, but the first real hug is out of the way now and like I said, it was very special.  

I don't mean Rick is a total emotionless jerk because he did pick me some wild flowers twice, and I thought that was very sweet of him.  They were actually weeds that were blooming, but they were flowers none the less and I loved the gesture.  You just have to know Rick to be able to recognize when something monumental happens like a first real hug.  It took him years before he uttered the words, "I love you," to me and even tho he still uses them sparingly, he does say them to me once in a while now.  

So once in a while I feel loved by Rick, but it is only once in a while. Apparently his childhood was no better or probably even worse than mine. 

UPDATE:  Tuesday June 7, 2022..............Well, I was right!  It's best not to get to feeling too comfortable and satisfied with yourself in this relationship.  Sometime around 11:00 a.m. yesterday morning I discovered that Rick forgot to take his cell phone with him to work, and that he was working alone and wouldn't have any way to call anyone if he needed help or anything.  So being the nice person that I am I hopped in my car and drove it over to him, but I couldn't find him at the job site where he was supposed to be, so I drove to other locations searching for him.  I even drove to McDonald's or Sonic thinking that he might have stopped there.  Then I drove to his bosses office thinking that maybe he left the Saturn there and went somewhere with his boss.  If I would have found the Saturn I would have just placed the phone inside for him to find when he returned, but I couldn't find him or the Saturn.  I drove on home and there he was.

Rick usually doesn't come home at noon even if he gets off at noon.  He goes visiting either at McDonald's, Sonic or over to Tommy's apartment, and doesn't come to my house until between 5-7 p.m., so I was surprised to see him home when I got home at noon.  He was visibly mad.

He was mad at me for trying to take his cell phone to him.  I told him that I was only trying to help, but he wouldn't listen and told me not to ever be touching his phone.  There you have it.  After very few words I got into my car and drove to Camp Nelson to talk to Jimmy Wallace.  Before I made the trip I stopped at McDonald's and got me a milk shake and apple pie for the ride.  I sat in the shade at Camp Nelson and ate my pies and drank my shake and talked to Jimmy.  I watched two funerals and knew exactly how those people were feeling about the loss of their loved ones.  I said a prayer for those two families and then I drove back home.  Rick was gone by this time on my 3 wheeled motorcycle.  It was close to 90 degrees and usually he refuses to take us for a ride when it is that hot.  He just can't stand it, but today I guess he made an exception and took the motorcycle out anyway.  I sat out on the porch swing for a while and then I heard the rumble of thunder in the distance getting closer and closer, and in about half hour Rick returned home just in time for the heavy downpour of rain.  Of course he was still mad that I touched his cell phone.

Ricky's Persimmon Tree

 Went out to Farristown and helped Ricky mow his lawn.  He has such a beautiful yard and it's very large, so he needs help.  He went out early this morning and did the weed-eating.  He lives on a corner lot, so there is a lot of weed-eating to do.  I estimate that he has about 600 feet or more of weed-eating just on the street and that's not counting anything within the yard.  My weed-eating days are over, so I can't help him with that anymore.

Rick has a large persimmon tree in his yard that has the best tasting  persimmons ever.  I've never been a big fan of persimmons, but this tree sold me.  I've tasted persimmons before, but I have to brag on the flavor of the fruits on his tree.  

Apparently the weather has been perfect for persimmons this year and his tree is loaded with unripe fruit.  The persimmons won't fall from the tree until sometime in October after a frost.  You don't dare put a persimmon into your mouth until it is fully ripe or your mouth will pucker up and the inside will turn all white and you'll have a very unpleasant taste in your mouth.  If that happens you won't want to ever put a persimmon in your mouth ever again.

Here are some pictures of the branches of the persimmon tree that I took today.  Some of the other branches are laying on the ground they are so loaded, but that's normal for this tree and they are heavy with fruit as they are every year.

General Babbling

 It's Tuesday morning, it's partly sunny and the projected high will be 77 degrees.  Not a bad day at all.   My siatic nerve is still giving me some grief, but other than that, I'm fine.  I seem to be better in the afternoons and can sometimes walk without a cane later in the day.  It takes me a few hours to warm up I guess, haha.

I don't know what I will do today.  Maybe I'll go buy me a nice juicy red tomato from the fruit & veggie vendor, and some good hamburger from Save A Lot grocery store.

I had to buy a new battery for my riding mower yesterday, and this time I bought a Die Hard because those cheap batteries that I have been buying don't last.

Rick is giving himself another haircut.  He cuts his own hair and he does a really good job of it.  I trim it up a little in the back because he can't see that part and I shave the back of his neck, but he does all the rest.  Rick loves to save money and he is very good at it.

Poor Rick, these days he has to do almost everything around here since it's too painful for me to walk.  He does all the mowing, and most of the housecleaning now.  He does all the cooking too.  I manage to make the bed and dust only the places that I don't have to bend to dust.  Last week little Carson dusted the bottom of my coffee table for me and would have done more, but I told him that this was enough and I thanked him for helping me.  He's such a nice boy.  I also wash the dirty dishes and I do the laundry.

Rick has to go get one of his riding mowers back into running condition.  It's a fairly new looking mower, but he's never used it since I've known him.  He got it started but now he has to fix one of the tires that has gone flat and come off the rim.  He also needs to change the oil in it.  If he gets this mower into good running condition he won't have to haul my riding mower over to his house anymore to do the parts that the zero turn isn't able to do.  Zero Turn mowers are only good for flat ground and you'd better not get them too close to any drop-offs.   They're easy to turn over and get stuck in ditches too and they weigh so much that you can't push or pull them out without a 4W drive.  I've seen our neighbor go get his truck to pull his out of muddy ground so many times that I can't count it on two hands anymore.  

Ice Cream Cones

 This may not be Sonic in this picture, I'm not too sure, but I still want to send a big shout-out to Sonic for their ice cream cones.  They're the best in town, and look very much like this one without the craters of course.    

The ice cream cones there are the creamiest ever, and Rick & I have stopped by there in the evenings on hot days and have each gotten one.  We had one last night and boy was it ever good.

It just started raining heavily again, and rain is something that we really need right now.  Just thought I'd mention it because my poor large Sycamore Tree could really use the rain right now......and so could my flowering plants and bushes.  I guess everything and everybody need this rain.

The Early Morning Light

 Good Morning!  Rick is out on the front porch waiting for his ride to work, and I am here writing to you.  It's finally Friday and the weekend is here.  It's a holiday weekend, Memorial Day weekend, and the official beginning of summer even tho we have had extremely hot weather already.  

Yesterday was a pleasant day that I spent with my kitty cat Jybow.  We sat on the front porch to watch baby birds finally learning to get their own food, and not depending so much on their momma.  We watched one baby pecking away at a Cicada which was still alive and the baby Robin finally ate the whole Cicada.  Their flying has also improved some, but you can still tell that they are baby Robins because they still squawk a lot and follow their mothers trying to get her to feed them, and she still does.  In flight the babies are still a little shaky at times and they flutter their wings more when they are attempting to land on a fence post or branch.

My pretty little great-granddaughter went to see her dentist yesterday for a routine checkup.  No problems so far, so she is always smiling when she is there because she's never had to have any kind of procedures done yet.  Hopefully this will continue throughout her life. 

It looks cloudy and rainy out today.  I sure hope we get a good steady rain today, because it's dry around here.  It hasn't rained in a couple of weeks and it's been hot, in the 90's, and the grass and plants could sure use a drink of water.  Everything is looking a little droopy outside.

Rick's boss has just picked Rick up to take him to either a house under construction in Boone's Trace, or another one just off Boonesboro Road.  They have many homes under construction, so he may stay there to work for a while and then move on to another home, no telling where he will end up today.  At the moment they are working on homes in Madison County, Richmond, Berea, Mt.Vernon and London, Ky.  Those are only the ones that I know about.

It's still early here and I may come back later to let you know how my day has gone, or just to give you my opinion or to just rant.....the day is still young. 

UPDATE:  We had a good rain shower and a needed drink of water for the outdoors.  Hoping there will be more rain to follow.   

Surprise for Rick by Squeak

This morning while Rick was waiting on the front porch swing for his ride to work, one of my cats, Squeaker (we sometimes call her that) did something that is very much out of the ordinary for her.

 If you first read the picture to the left you will understand Squeak a little better.

Squeak has always been a shy cat and now that she is an outdoor cat she is even worse.

Now you mix Squeak with Rick and you have quite a pair.  Rick is a very unusual man too.    Rick is loud, has no filter on what he says and he doesn't like cats, even tho he insists on feeding them every morning for me.  That's only because I have trouble bending down to reach their cat dish, he says, and that he wants to help me out.  Ok, that's fine, but at times I catch him petting them even tho he doesn't like cats, he says.  

  

Here's Rick at a DQ eating a banana split with a napkin on his head.  He doesn't care what people think and that makes Rick fun, and unusual.

And here is Squeak, the cat that won't hunt real birds unless they are stuffed and make a squeaky noise.  She is afraid of daylight, people and other animals and she spends most of her days hiding.  The only other cat that she likes is Jybow, our orange female that she sleeps with.

Squeak is most often spotted out at night in the darkness, and when she sees you she is gone in a flash.  Sometimes she lets Rick pet her in the darkness, but when she sees me she disappears.  But this morning she surprised us all.  I looked out and while Rick was sitting on the porch swing, in the early morning light, there was Squeak, and she wanted Rick to pet her so he did.  Rick petted Squeaker for a long time, and then after she had gotten enough petting she left for the backyard.  I stayed indoors and watched because I knew that if she saw me she would leave.

In the last couple of days I have seen Squeak in our backyard  venturing further back each time.  I think after being outside for about 5-6 years she is finally getting used to it, or getting curious.  I have seen her smelling the tall grasses and plants and I think she smells other cats, the pig that was loose on Monday and the chickens and ducks that are frequent visitors most everyday.  I think she would like living on a farm, but one thing that I do know is that she has taken up with Rick the cat hater, and they are making an unlikely pair.

No wonder I immediately loved Dan Seals voice when I first heard it.

While listening to music with Rick last night I made a discovery.  One of his favorite music artists (Dan Seals) is also one of mine, but with a different name (England Dan).  England Dan sang soft rock and Dan Seals sang country.  Wasn't that a coincidence?  I guess Rick and I do have something in common after all, just kidding, we have a lot in common. 

I'd really love to see you tonight by England Dan /John Ford Coley

If he loves you, he will show it

When someone moves in with you shouldn't they already feel love for you?  If they don't then why are they moving in with you in the first place?  It has been since 2016 and now (2020) for once he is finally telling me that he loves me, but those are only words and his actions tell you otherwise.  He is mean, constantly throwing insults and he certainly doesn't want to spend time with me, because he spends every single day hanging out at McDonald's instead of with me.  I don't mind him hanging out at McDonald's at all, but when he comes home he can at least be nice to me, but he's not.  I'm not a jealous person and if he thinks that I am he is wrong.  I can't control how he feels and I'm not stupid enough to think that I can.  He makes me feel as tho I am not the first person that he has used, but the only person that sees him for what he is.....a user, or maybe I am not the only person who has seen him as a user and that's why he has nothing.

I'm not moving, nor am I going to build a home on his property.  If he wants a new home built there then he can build and pay for it himself and if he really loves me, he will invite me to live in it with him as I have invited him to live here in mine with me. 

He shows me with every waking hour that he doesn't even like me

I go to work with Rick.  He gets to add my hours down on his.  I do that to help him out, but he doesn't appreciate it.  I don't get any compensation for the work that I do, and that is all right with me, but then he doesn't seem to appreciate that he is getting paid double....he doesn't even thank me for helping him out.  A thank you would be nice or even just treating me like a decent human being, but he doesn't seem to appreciate me.  I wake up to insults and go to bed with insults.  What do I have to do to win his approval?  I don't think that he even likes me.

I love you and you love me.....

With lots of effort on both of our parts, Rick and I are doing better than we have ever done.  We now understand each other much better and tolerate our imperfections instead of calling each other out on ever imperfection that we have.  What's most rewarding is that we are now both happy and much more relaxed around each other.  I wouldn't trade Rick for any other man, nor do I want him to be like any other man.  I'm happy with Rick and I love him just the way he is.

The mean spirited Rick has come back after only 2 days of being nice.

Today on Rick's way out to go visit friends at McDonald's he was accusatory towards me.  He told me that I should go pick up someone to keep me company.  That hurt me very much since we have been getting along pretty well these last couple of days.  

I noticed that on his calendar, that on Dec. 11th he wrote the word  "CEAK."  What does that mean?  Is this the name of someone he has met?  Nothing else is written on his calendar except these letters, so I wrote for today the name "Wallace" on todays date.  I wonder if he will notice and should I be worried.  He'd rather spend all of his time hanging out at McDonald's than with me.  He sits in there all day long and then he complains about his back hurting.  My back would hurt too if I sat in there for 8 to 12 hours a day too. I know that at times that both he and his brother Tommy go over to Tommy's apartment and watch TV until 10 p.m. after the 8 hrs.  Oh well, if that is what he wants, then there is nothing that I can do about it.

Rick has been complaining about the money that I spent on food last month which ended up feeding Brian because Rick left me of his own free will.  Now he says that he won't spend anymore money on food anymore.  He is eating out now and if that is not spending money then I don't know what is because I was the one who paid for the groceries in the first place.  Rick only contributed 3 times on groceries in the 3 years he has been here.  So if he doesn't want to spend anymore money on groceries here, then that is fine with me, since he didn't spend much anyway.  He is spending more now by eating out, so today when he asked me what we were going to do about eating and suggested that he might get a cheeseburger before he came home, I agreed with him and told him to get that cheeseburger.  Last night he brought home a $6 pizza from Little Caesars, which I helped him eat.  The more he spends maybe the more he will stop and think of all the money that I have been out feeding him.  He always insisted on going shopping with me and we bought all the things that he liked to eat.  While Brian was here, Brian went shopping and he bought all the things that I like to eat, which I haven't eaten in the years since Rick has been here.

Today I'm feeling down because Rick doesn't want to spend any time with me.  He'd rather spend his time with strangers than with me.  I really don't know why he is still here?  I don't know why he comes back here every night to sleep, when he complains constantly about the conditions of my house.  My home is my home and it's not the newest and prettiest house, but it is clean and it is my home.  Rick likes nice things, and he is always telling me so, but why doesn't he have nice things or a nice home of his own.  He has a small room without water or a bathroom or even electricity.  His electric comes in by a long extension cord from an old falling down single wide trailer.  So for him to complain to me that my home is not nice enough for him is an understatement.  He may own two pieces of property, but neither of them is as nice as my house.

I may not have much, but Jimmy and I were happy here.  Jimmy was an angel compared to Rick.  I can clearly see why Rick has never had anyone in his life for very long.  He's a bully and very mean spirited.  He will cut you down at every opportunity and laugh about it.  I wonder who will have the last laugh, me or him?

It didn't last long

Rick came over at 1:00 p.m. and moved a recliner all by himself.  I had intended on helping him, but he went ahead and got it all loaded before I even got home.  After delivering the recliner we came back home and I proceeded to vacuum up the floors and clean things up.  Rick took a shower and got ready for us to go out to eat. I hadn't eaten all day and it was now around 3:30 or 4:00 p.m.  Rick in his usual manner started in with his ground rules about how it's going to be around here or he will move out for good this time.  I listened and understood his side of the story, but I don't think he understood my side of the story.  He also told me how miserable he had been having to move out, and I told him that he broke my heart by moving out, and that if he was already threatening to move out even before he actually moved back in, then maybe he shouldn't move back in here with me.  He quickly said that he didn't mean it to sound that way, but how else could I take it.  That was soon forgotten and all went well as he finished getting himself ready and we headed out the door to go get something to eat when it all started up again.  That name calling and criticizing me.  I just couldn't take it so I told him, in a loud voice, not shouting, that for the last 3 weeks nobody has called me fat, ugly, dumb or criticized me for how shabbily I dress.....so I turned around and came back into the house and he drove off to eat without me.  

I don't have a clue as to whether he will come back here tonight or not.  He's been gone since the morning of November 11th anyway, and wanted to return today, but things didn't work out as we both wanted.  He just can't control his mouth.  He'd be perfect if it wasn't for that.  He makes me laugh and we have fun together, but his constant belittling and bullying are just too much for me to handle. I'd rather live alone than to hear how awful I am all the time.  I make every effort to be nice to him and to make sure his needs are always met, but I guess that's not enough for him.

He walked out when I needed him most

He doesn't even have a picture of me.....he never wanted one.

What does this say about a man who once asked me to marry him, but has never allowed a selfie to be taken of the both of us together.  I have always felt that he was ashamed of me, thought that I wasn't good enough for him.  He never once asked me to ride with him to McDonald's unless it was late at night and none of his friends, or his enemies, were there to see us together.  

I have lived and loved this man for several years.  I tried to spoil him rotten just to show him how much I cared about him.  I have always told him that I loved him, but he seldom says those three little words back to me.  He has made me feel used and unloved.  

I tried to change his attitude towards me, by helping him as much as I possibly could these past few years.  I want him to see me....the person who is willing to do anything to win his love over, but it's no use.  When times got tough for me he left me.  He went home only to say that he would return when I got things under control.  He said that he would return when my son moved into his own apartment.  If Rick would have stayed here, my son would move into an apartment sooner.  Rick doesn't understand that by his leaving he caused me to feel depressed, unwanted and unloved,  and when I am depressed I just don't want to do anything, let alone look for an apartment for my son.  

I feel that if Rick really loved me, that he would be here with me helping me, as I have helped him.  Rick is only thinking of himself and not about what I am going through.  I'm going through hell without him.  My heart is breaking and he doesn't even care.  He doesn't even call me or ask to see me.  Apparently all that I have done for him doesn't even matter.  It doesn't even matter to him that he is still driving my Saturn and that I let him come here and take whatever food he wanted so that he doesn't have to spend anymore of his money on food.  To Rick, it is all about him and it has nothing to do with me or how I feel.  He feels as tho he has been wronged, but it was his choice to leave and I had no control over that.  I had no control over anything that happened.  It wasn't my fault that my son showed up at my door late at night with no place to go.  I was just as surprised and caught off guard as Rick was.  Any other man would have stayed and stood his ground if he loved and cared anything about me.  I would have never abandoned Rick and I think I proved that to him when I was asked to cut him off as a friend by Steve.  I refused to do that because I cared about him and at the time he was only my friend.  Now he means more to me and I love him, so I would defend him and care for him to my dying day, but unfortunately Rick doesn't feel the same about me.

Things are out of my control now.  I reach out to Rick and call him when I don't hear from him for days at a time, and it's as tho I'm talking to a stranger who doesn't care beans about me.  I know that he is upset at being displaced and having to move back to his house, but that was his choice.  I think he was looking for a way to leave anyway and he found one.  The opportunity presented itself and he took advantage of it.  He is just trying to keep me calm so that I don't demand my SUV and all of my tools back until he can find a car of his own to buy.  At least that is the impression he is giving me, because I am dying to see him and to be with him and he is doing his best to avoid and stay away from me.

    

Abandoned once again.....

Rick came by and took a shower while Brian & I were gone to Cynthiana today, and he picked up all of his toiletries while he was here.  He took them all, as if he won't be back.  I feel a sense of dread and I'm crying as I write this.  He's not saying the right things to me when we talk on the phone either.   He won't tell me that he loves me.  He won't repeat it after me when I tell him that I love him.  
His absence is not supposed to be permanent, but I have this strange feeling that it is, that it's over between us.  I love Rick, but I feel that he doesn't feel the same.  We've been apart for about a week and he hasn't asked me to meet him or to go anywhere with him.  

It's time that I have to accept the inevitable, but it's hard to do, and I don't want to.  I wish things were different.  I wish he felt the same as I do.  I wish he loved me as much as I love him.  He never tells me that he loves, so I just have to guess at it, and with the events of this past week, and with him running out on me and leaving me here to handle things on my own, I just don't know how he feels.  

I feel abandoned once again and I have a very difficult time with abandonment issues.  I have felt abandoned by everyone for most of my young and adult life.  It's a feeling that I can't handle. 

Why doesn't he call me just to say, "Good night."  
I think everyone knows why except me.......   

Hillbilly fishing pole holder

Of course, it would take none other than a hillbilly like Rick to think of this.........

Here are 3 more pictures that I took yesterday while fishing.  It was a very peaceful and quiet lake yesterday with all the water skiers and speedboat enthusiasts at work.  Only the serious fishermen were out on the lake fishing.  I didn't even get a bite yesterday, but I didn't care.  It was just so enjoyable being out and trying out all of my artificial lures.

We found a cabin under construction and I thought to myself that I would love living there on a full-time basis.  It looked like the cabin was only accessible by boat, but I could be wrong.

These pictures were all taken at Lake Linville at Renfro Valley, Ky.

We had some snow flurries this morning, but this is a picture of March 2018